Confused? ...yet Honest

pain in the heart...

2010-12-03T07:26:00.001+02:00

Hey...

I dunno what's wrong with me... There's so much sadness in my heart right now. I really need to get over David. Why is it so difficult? I've been listening to love songs like a silly boy all day long :(
and he's meant to be just my best friend! Why does it hurt so much? FML! I am a good catch; I'd be able to find someone to love me in due time, if I could wait long enough. It's his loss! Why am I not moving on? Ugh! Why is it soooo easy for him not to like me back the way I like him? Why is it so easy for him not to want me as badly as I want him? Why am I hurting? Why is it easy for him to tell me about how he wishes he could get it on with that guy I introduced him to? Why is he so hurtful? Why the pain? Why the heartbreak? Why am I so silly? Why can't I just move on?

Do I need a rebound guy?
I feel like being slutty and getting it on with random guys at a club or something... Ugh!

I have so much love to give... I am so desperate for romance right now!

PS: My roommate is gonna be away for the weekend so Imma have the room alone. I am thinking of going to some gay club and bringing some stranger(s) with me for the night(s)... I guess I just need to fool around in order to feel better or at least get myself to move on or something -_-

broken heart... burning tears,
Sam

my first college heart-break

2010-11-26T18:58:00.001+02:00

Hello...

and Happy Thanksgiving to y'all!
so... time for a juicy post!

First of all, I wanna let you know that I've kinda sorted out the issues with my roommate. I talked with my RA, the director of my dorms building and the college director of housing. Now they all know I am gay (ha ha ha) and support me. It's fantastic to pull out the emotions card and make myself sound vulnerable and in need. So at the end I decided to schedule a one-on-one with my roommate in order to talk through everything and let him know what exactly bothers me and how I want us to respect each other more. So he was very cooperative (yay!) and now he's gonna unbunk the beds while I am away for the Thanksgiving break and from now on, he will no longer share my personal life with anyone!

Going back to the juicy talk.. so I wanna tell you guys about this boy named David. He is like my bestest friend at university. We have a lot in common (same uni schedule - we have the same major, same general interests, same sexual orientation, similar childhood experiences, etc...) We hang out together all the time. We walk to/from class together, study together, go for meals together, watch movies together, etc... We are kinda inseparable. We have the same group of friends and everyone loves us and thinks we are the cutest thing ever. We are both closeted gays so people think there's just bromance between us. Anyway, we are attracted to each other and have fooled around at some points (not all the way though). However, David has many interpersonal issues including not being able to move on after his break-up with a boyfriend he once had. As his bestest friend, I've been there for him and helped him through a lot. We both see a counselor to talk about our life challenges and set up goals. I used to see the counselor before David and when I realized how helpful he is, I recommended him to David. David had been making great progress since then. I have developed serious feelings for him but he seems that he has not developed his feelings for me as much. He does tell me that he's attracted to me and whatnot but it does not seem like he wants me as badly as I want him. According to what my counselor has told me and what David tells me too, he does not want me to be more than his bestest friend. He is afraid that us becoming boyfriends (and if things don't turn out that well) that we'd lose the amazing friendship we've been building. So I've been there for him as a great friend and he doesn't wanna let me evolve to something more... It really hurts, given that I am ready to do anything to make him my boyfriend... But there's really nothing I can do but accept his wish and so I am trying to move on. I wish I could meet someone that I would like (and like me back) soon enough which would help me move on faster... I really HAVE to move on coz I would never ever want to me with someone who wouldn't like me as much as I would like him or want me as badly. I know I am a good catch and if David doesn't want me to be more than his best friend, then it's his loss!

By the way I am in New York City for Thanksgiving break and I am there with David, in an apartment, sleeping on the same bed! Could life be any more hurtful?

Best,
Sam

Roommate issues

2010-11-19T17:03:00.000+02:00

Hey!

So since I haven't blogged in a while, I thought Imma be posting slowly by slowly about people that have been playing part in my college life and somehow affecting it - positively or negatively. Now Imma write about my roommate. So let's give him the name Mario. So Mario is gay (as I told ya before). He used to say he's bi at first but one time I sat him down and asked him if he would ever do a chick. He said "Hell no. Vaginas are disgusting!" So I made him admit he's gay and not bi. By the way he works at the college LGBTQ center and he's quite out and about.

When I traveled a few weeks back for that conference, he bunked the beds in our room without asking me first. That pissed me a lot. Now every time I mention the topic (i.e. finding a compromise or so) he says yeah yeah and changes the topic or leaves the room. I can no longer study on my bed coz of the little lighting it has and I keep hitting my head... (he took the top bed! Ugh!).

Anywayz, that's not the only thing he's done to piss me off, beside the fact that his friends come over to my room to pre-game almost every weekend and the fact that he once got soooo wasted and vomitted all over the room. 2 weeks ago, I found out from a good friend of mine (to whom I came out lately but told her to keep it a secret) that he's been outing to people without my permission. I GOT SOOOO ANGRY! So the story is that he's told his 3 close friends and also other people from my floor -- randomly. When I confronted him he did not show much caring and went like: "What's done now is done! There's nothing much you can do no, Sam! I'm sorry... Get over it!" WHAT THE FUCK!!?!? He clearly cannot relate to my situation since we come from different cultures and backgrounds and if being has been easy for him, it has been PAIN IN THE ASS for me (not the good type lol). All in all, he never really cared to find out more about my issues and why exactly I cannot be out. I really do not want my parents to find out because that's not something I plan on doing in this lifetime (facebook is dangerous + I have a cousin who goes to my same college). So I've talked with my RA (residential assistant) about this incident and she's lesbian by the way. She showed me her support and has communicated the issue with the other RA and the dorms' director (and they're both gay). We might end up having a mitigated discussion with my roommate and one of them (I cannot really talk with my roommate by himself because it hurts to talk with him and sense his careless attitude). Moreover, I am meeting with the dorms' director this afternoon -- he wanted to check on me and go through some possible solutions. Changing roommate might be one approach (because I can no longer trust my roommate and hence I do not feel very safe in my room).

Yesterday night, when I got back to my room, I found out that my roommate has left me cupcakes and a letter on my desk. In the letter he apologized again and talked about how it's been awkward between us lately. He said he hopes I can forgive him and that I do not lose trust in him. I texted him saying: it takes courage and enough caring to write that letter, which I really appreciate. There's so much going on my mind right now and I need time to think through things. Don't mind the awkwardness. Somehow, at the end of the day, everything would be alright. I really don't know how to feel about this whole issue and I don't know how to behave, react, etc....

That's it for now. I gotta run for class

Love,
Sam

Imma be back

2010-11-19T07:30:00.000+02:00

Hello y'all

Have you missed me?
So I just thought of coming back to blog world because -- truth be told -- I need to blog from time to time as no matter how many friends and counselors I have out there, sometimes I just need to vent out stuff without having them commenting or even knowing about the stuff on my mind. I understand that I haven't blogged in ages, which means there's a lot to update you about but Imma be able to do that shortly and trust me... despite the tons of things which happened.. I'm still myself deep down and my journey of struggles is not gonna end any soon. There's a lot on my mind right now... some sadness yet some achievements... and many goals to work for.

I have a lot of exams before Thanksgiving break so I might not write much before then but please do stay tuned coz Sam is back! =)

I MISSED YOU!

2010-10-10T05:31:00.000+02:00

Hello everybody!

I missed you all - so much! FML I don't know how to put into words all that I feel. I would like to assure you all that I am doing great. College is treating me great. I already have my circle of close friends - we call ourselves a family. I have a few crushes, but I don't feel ready for anything serious at the moment - I am still kinda emotionally drained. I am not out nor in - I am just myself. I am sure my close friends suspect I am gay but no one asked me directly in the face yet (one actually did but that's when he was drunk so I said No) and I don't know how to react when they do. But I know they did talk behind my back once about whether I am gay or not lol and this didn't make me feel bad or anything. A girl friend asked my roomie if I am gay and he told her he doesn't know (coz that's what I asked him to say). They'll probably find out soon enough.

Besides, my classes are good. They're very demanding coz I am taking pre-med but I am hoping to develop the discipline of work ethics and not let shitload of work pile up. I've had two exams so far and I got 2 As (Human Bio + Chemistry). Besides, the campus is gorgeous! I love it, despite the fact that I have so much running around to do as I go from class to class. It's ok though... I'll have sexy legs and freshmen 15 hopefully won't affect me :)

My roommate and I get along well but he doesn't seem like the guy who would be there for me when I need a heart-to-heart convo. He used to say he's bisexual but we all know that he's plain gay. He's like very flamboyant and social but totally not my type (slightly fem, very skinny, baby looking, well he's good looking but not hot enough for me). He knows I am gay and we joke around and gossip but he doesn't show too much caring when I try to tell him deep stuff about me. But that's OK coz we're friendly with each other and all has been under control (except when he gets sooo drunk, which is not happening as often anymore).

I am getting in touch with my parents from time to time. They miss me so much... Surprisingly, I am not homesick at all :/ Yay! They say I don't talk to them enough but that's mainly coz of time difference and the very little time I ever get to spend online. I dunno... I've been cold with them ever since I started accepting myself and I don't know how to combat this.

I am wondering whether to come out fully... there are many factors that come to play when I think about it. I am seeing an LGBTQ counselor once a week to talk about my issues and I have joined a confidential gay discussion group that my counselor organizes - We meet once a week and talk about our lives.

I don't know what else to ramble about... You guys got any question?

Another reason for which I haven't posted in ages (beside how busy college is) is that I am thinking about not blogging anymore. It's been such a journey and I don't know how to thank you guys for all the support you've provided me with. There are many reasons that have lead me to deciding not to blog anymore and I am happy to discuss them with you if you're interested. I feel like now I need to work on my in-person friendships and relationships. It's a new chapter in my life and I wanna try to build strong friendships that would last and bring me happiness. To blog or not to blog.... I am even thinking about starting a whole new blog if I get time... Bleh! I dunno what to do.

HUGS!!
Sam

off to a new chapter

2010-08-23T18:15:00.000+02:00

Hello!

PS: Very quick post.
I am traveling tonight to the US... College here I come!
I have mixed feelings... excitement and anxiety. But I am sure everything will be alright. I am excited to meet all the new friends I've met online, especially my roommate who will be waiting for me there, already...

Please wish me all the best! May God bless my family and keep them safe. And may God enlighten my way there...

I hope I get to post soon enough despite how busy and hectic my first week(s) will be.

Love, always
Sam

juicy updates!

2010-08-19T01:25:00.002+02:00

Hello!

OMG… so much has been happening. I NEED to update you guys! Sorry for not posting in a while. I was busy and kinda lazy… Imma make it up now with a LONG post, full of juicy updates.

Coming out to Mom n sisters?

So I didn't REALLY come out to Mom and sisters. They definitely thought I was joking coz they never mentioned it again. Well... they also kinda asked it in a joking way (when they did) which is probably why they didn't take me seriously when I said my "yes". I am sure they didn’t believe me coz they still talk to me about having a girlfrriend and getting married, etc. But oh well, I am not complaining coz I am not ready AT ALL to deal with coming out to my family at this stage of my life and I really rather leave it for when I am done with my studies and no longer need to live with them (although these are not the reasons why I don't wanna come out to them, I’m somehow financially independent by the way). I simply don't want to upset them coz if I confirm to them that I am gay then they would be sad forever... I know that they're suspicious about me and all but they're in huge denial and trying to ignore it. You know.. being gay to them is like a disease that is faaaar from reaching our family. So I won’t come out to them any soon! Thank God I live abroad… Less than a week of hiding is left!!

Family time

So in the past few days I got to bond with my family. We went on road trips here and there, went to restaurants, went to church, etc. I hope they liked it. I’m so blessed to have such a tight family and I feel so bad to be kinda cold and detached with them but I can’t help it. I also hate how not so religious I’ve become. I actually miss that spirituality I used to feel before I started accepting myself. I used to pray more and feel the divine presence around me… I miss that feeling but at the same time I understand that it’s natural for young people to go through such questioning phases and become not-so-religious… I just hope I get that spirituality again soon! By the way I went out for dinner at this very fancy restaurant yesterday night, with Mom and sis. The food was great, at the candle light and I am sure Mom loved being with me and my sis for the night. Moreover, I’ve been partying a lot with my older sister and her friends are really cool. They all like me! Yay! I can see that there are some closeted gay guys in their circle of friends haha. It’s so funny to look them in the eyes and have thoughts in mind! ;)

Sandra and Mark

Sandra passed by my place last week with her gay friend Rudi. It was a surprise to me coz she didn’t tell me they’re coming so I was glad to see her. We talked and laughed. I was able to be myself with them and so it felt good. Apparently, Rudi was my classmate when I was in KG2 coz he saw our class photo in my room haha. Tiny world! By the way I am VERY angry at Sandra coz we haven’t hung out much together this summer. Before I came back she always used to tell me about how much fun we’re gonna have together and how we’ll get together very often and now I realize I’ve only seen her like twice and I’m about to leave soon! I won’t even ask to see her and say Bye if she doesn’t initiate!! :/

Gay Mark still chats to me now and then. We still haven’t met up and I don’t think we will… I don’t really care to. He told me a few days ago while we were chatting that he knows I’m Bi although I’ve never come out to him. He also said he wouldn’t believe me if I said: NO! I didn’t deny it or anything… He’s got a good gaydar, I know! Haha

College:

I still didn’t finish the book(s) I need to read before college and I’m moving there in less than a week. Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! I am so excited yet a bit anxious too. I hope I look decent on the moving in week coz looks do have quite an influence as we meet people for the first time. I am already friends with a number of freshmen over there (some of whom are gay) and so I hope our first encouter doesn’t feel awkward. We’ve been chatting for some time but we may not be able to ignore the awkwardness at first. FML. I started sorting out my packing today coz I have kinda finished all my necessary shopping and I have lotsa new and sexy clothes so I’m happy!! (Mom complained about how much clothes I have lol) There will be a lot of stuff to do as soon as I get to the states: open a bank account, buy a phone + number, buy a laptop, buy my uni books, shop for dorm stuff, sign up for courses and other activities, etc. I am not sure if I’ll get to blog then… but I’ll try my best. My roommate and I are gonna get along so well, I can feel it!! haha I am sure he's gay! :P

FANTASTIC NEWS:

So lately I’ve been feeling quite happy about myself and my life. I really can’t compplain coz everything seems to be going well and I’m quite happy with what I’ve got. To make things even better!! I just heard that I got selected to travel for this global conference thing (I won’t mention its name) which is VERY highly reputated. So I’d get to meet world leaders from all walks of life and represent the youth of my country and region. I have lots of speaking roles to attend so they want me to go there for training a week before the forum starts (which is in 2 months). I hope my college professors give me permission to be absent from class for that long coz I don’t wanna miss that amazing opportunity.

So that's more or less what I've been up to... Please comment and let me know what you think... and give me advice!! Hope all is going well on your side!!

Sam

I came out to my Mom and sisters

2010-08-08T21:33:00.000+02:00

GOOD DAY!

So how is everybody doing?

You've actually read it right. I think I've come out to my Mom and sisters... Lemme tell you how that went:

So I spent yesterday at my aunt's place coz I was giving her son some Maths lessons since he's kinda weak in that. The rest of my family came over after lunch to chill. My mom was tired (she gets migraine) so she went to take a nap. Later, my sisters and I went to the room where Mom was sleeping to check on her.. so we sat on the bed next to hers and we were all talking, gossiping and joking. Then my sister asked me why have I straightened my hair and styled it in an emo-look. She said it looks gay. So I said I just find it cool and sexy :P Then my sisters and Mom went on about how I seem a bit weird lately. So out of the blue I told them: "I'm thinking about giving belly dance lessons for my friends at college. haha" They all laughed and so I was like: "Put on some music so I show you how well I dance." My older sister (Christene) started looking for appropriate music on her phone and then Mom asked me: "Sam, are you gay?" My sisters stopped and stared... I didn't reply, so Christene added: "Are you gay or maybe Bi?". I smiled and said "Yes!" and went quiet a bit... Then I kinda changed the topic and they never mentioned it again.

So... I didn't lie! right? Maybe they took it as a joke or something... coz like being gay is a disease in my family's book. It's this alien thing that is too far from reaching my family. And they reacted really cool about my "yes" and didn't ask me to elaborate or anything... so they probably didn't take me seriously. I don't know :/

That same day I went out in the evening with my sister's guy friend. He offered to take me out coz my sister was busy and couldn't go along. Plus he said he finds me cool so I was like Yay! lol He took me to this pub where he sings and offered me two double Vodka glasses. I just chilled by the bar, observed people and had time to think. I didn't sleep much at night when I got back coz I was thinking - plus it was too hot!! I went to bed at 3 and stayed awake until 6. I only fell asleep for like 3 hours coz I was awake by 9. Oh there's a guy I wanna talk to you about!! I think he's Bi and I'm going out to see him tonight. We're going for karaoke but I won't go gay or anything. I'll stay under the radar and enjoy the eye-candy lol So I'm going now for a shower and get ready. I'll ask him if there are Gaga or Adam Lambert songs and see how he reacts HAHA

LOVE YA!
Sam

lemme update you!

2010-08-05T10:19:00.001+02:00

Hello Fellas!

I haven't posted much lately coz I've been lazy... but I'll tel you in this post about major things that happened...
So last week I've been bonding not so badly with my family. I hope they're noticing this... My mom is no longer fussing about me being online as often. *wondering why* and I've been trying to be a good boy with them. Less than 3 weeks left for college! YAY!

On Sunday, I pulled out a Joe Jonas' look: white pants, V-neck purple T-shirt, Black vest-coat, white n black Vans shoes. And of course I had my accessories on... I did look quite gay but I really don't give a damn! I was around extended family all day long. We had lunch with my father's side of the family and later in the evening we went to my mom's side of the family for coffee and chat... This cousin of mine (call him E.K) made some annoying comment about Adam Lambert by randomly telling everybody that he's "pédé" (diminutive for pedophile) which is a term, quite commonly used in my country to refer to gay guys. I HATE it! So I was like... "He's not pédé! He's gay!" so EK was like: "Oh well... it doesn't matter... he's a fag!" I was quite angry... not necessarily coz I felt like he's demeaning me indirectly but rather coz I hate how narrow minded these people around me are. I want them out of my life!! Now I really dislike this cousin! He's 22 ffs and a university student. He really should be more open-minded... unless he's got something to hide or he is in denial.... eh? Let me not worry about him for now. He's so not worth my time and energy! So EK and other cousins of mine suggested we go altogether to the beach on Tuesday and I kinda didn't hear them talking about that... Later, my sis invited me to go with her bf to the beach, also on Tuesday so I decided to do that instead. My Mom and younger siblings went to the beach with my aunts and cousins on Tuesday, while I went with my sis and her bf. My cousins were all cross at me coz they were like: "We all took today off so we can get to chill with Sam, bla bla bla." But I am really glad I didn't go with them coz they always think that I don't have a life and such. Moreover, I know I wouldn't have had fun with them. They behave like such stupid alpha males and I just hate that in them. I really had a good time on the beach with my sis, her bf, and a guy friend of theirs. I sun-bathed and got a nice color. yay hot! We swam a little and then went back to our place after having stopped at some restaurant for food. The guy friends saw that I have shaved the upper parts of my legs and wondered why so I told them it was just out of boredom :P which is kinda true. OMG! I have also shaved the hair around my tummy and now re-growth is killing me so freakin' much. It's so itchy and just plain annoying. My sister knew and asked me why on earth have I messed it up... she says there's no turning back and that now I've messed it up for good so I don't know how to deal with it. Any tips? I really dislike body hair on me... I wanna remain a twink!!

My sister (Christene) asked me 2 days ago about why haven't we chatted about my romance life abroad yet. She really wants me to tell her all about my adventures and such... so she's always like: "What's your girlfriend's name? Have you guys broken up? Why? How does she look?" etc etc. She also wants me to show her the video clip I prepared for my gf... she knew I did something like that coz she wants me to teach her how to prepare one for her bf... But the things is, she has NO IDEA that I actually don't have a gf... but an idk-bf! haha So should I come out to her? I guess not.... idk FML!!!

Yesterday night we had people over for dinner. Some extended family were there too. I had a good time and ate sooo much. OMG I love how skinny I am. I am not like anorexic skinny but I don't have belly fat and such. I eat so much yet I don't grow fat! How lucky!! I tried my sisters' jeans on me the other day and they all fitted me so well. Mind you, my sisters are also fit and have a nice body! So imagine!! If only I could get some chest and arms muscle (plus a few packs haha). That would really boost my self confidence. I am trying to do some push-ups now and then but Oh well... I'll never get the muscles I would like to see on me. My next boy (or rather boys) would better like me just how I am!

OOOOH! I forgot to mention that I got an email from college yesterday. It's about the welcoming week for freshmen and they wanted to take my permission to use my story (extracts from the personal statement I sent while applying) for this play they're preparing for all college students and faculty. It's meant to be a play that would reflect the diverse backgrounds of the student body and they believe my story is quite something. I'd tell you about it if you're interested...

That's kinda it for now. I've got some exciting news to tell you next time I blog! Stay tuned!

Lots of love,
Sam

my stalker :(

2010-07-30T12:41:00.001+02:00

Hello!

Let's ramble a little first:
So two days ago, I spent almost all day long helping my parents prepare some traditional provisions. It's too much manual work and I don't know why the fuck we do it... it's not like we're saving any money by doing so but oh well... Go organic! Go traditional! And I just bought a new book that I NEED to read prior to college. They also want us to write some paper about it. I am so lazy... but I HAVE to get it over and done with.

Yesterday was gay!
I spent yesterday with Mom, older sis (Christene) and her bf (Jack) in the city. My sis and her bf are having a small shop at some festival so we went to shop for some accessories they wanna sell. I made my sister get me a toe ring (I think it's super sexy! My Chinese teacher's hottie son wears one all the time) and some black nail polish (not that I'd wear them on... but just in case something triggers it in college). I didn't tell Mom about the nail polish. My sister wanna get me some black eye liner too! My uncle saw the ring on my toe and wondered why on earth I have it on... I got so embarrassed but didn't reply to him. My dad heard him though.. At night, I went with my sis, her bf and some friends to the cinema. We finally got to watch Eclipse. I liked it but think Newmoon was better. OMG! my idk-bf does some faces that are just like Edward's... I MISS HIM TERRIBLY!!! After Eclipse was over, we sneaked into the room next to us and watched the last part of 'Sex and the City 2". I think it is VERY hilarious!! While in the car, I discussed with my sis and her bf some gay guys they know. Jack also has a bisexual friend apparently, and he was also telling us about Chris (his gay cousin) who, by the way, is hair stylist and also belly dances at some clubs. He also dances in G-string thongs for Bachelorette parties. I am so impressed that there's a really nice gay life in my home country!! haha I was discussing with Jack how gays' attraction works so I told him: "let's say you're straight and I'm gay. If I know you're straight for sure, I would never hit on you or try to do anything with you... coz I know it's not like you can convert or anything!" I am being very much my spontaneous and flamboyant self around my sister's friends. Bad Sammy, Bad!

When I got back home, I went online to check my facebook and stuff. Here's what happened:
So yesterday night, Sandra (my Bi BFF) posted on my fcb wall that she wants to talk to me urgently... but I wasn't at home so I couldn't check my fcb and get in touch with her. So as soon as she posts that, she got phone calls from my other carrier number on her cellphone... and there was some perverted guy talking to her with my home language accent... She hung up but that guy kept calling her repetitively and at VERY late hours (it was past 2:00 am). She was worried because it was my phone number... so someone is stalking her... and that someone has hacked into my number. And this is not the first time this happens to me. My idk-bf used to tell me when I was still in my boarding school that he would sometimes try to call me but some weirdo replies to him, etc. I dunno what to do... :/

Anal Sex

2010-07-27T12:00:00.002+02:00

So here comes Sammy with his randomness again. I’ve been thinking to myself about gay sex life and I, for instance, am not the biggest fan of anal sex. To be honest with you guys, I’ve tried it before but it didn’t really work out well. So I kinda gave up on it by then. I did some research coz I was worried that I might be asexual or something… but it turned out that it’s just a myth that all gay/bi guys enjoy anal sex. Reviews have actually shown that majority of gay guys say that anal is overrated and that what they enjoy the most is actually oral sex.

So please let me know whether you like/enjoy anal sex by answering my poll to the left. And if possible, please comment below about what you think in general…

Thanks a bunch!
Sam

I wanna be a Dad!

2010-07-26T12:42:00.003+02:00

Good day y’all!

I am so random, I know!! But I am not gonna change so you better enjoy my randomness haha. I usually say that to all the new friends I make and they usually like me just the way I am. Anyway, so I was watching the Oprah show yesterday afternoon and it was about single fathers. (Have you seen it before? It’s a re-run) It was extremely touching and made me remember the times in my childhood when I used to tell myself that I cannot wait to be a father and have some dozen of children. I do enjoy taking care of others and like be in charge of their lives, education and activities, etc. However, ever since I started accepting my difference (not being straight), I’ve kinda stopped wanting to be a father one day, mainly because I kinda thought that kids need both a father AND a mother for their healthy development and growth. Oprah also ninterviewed two married gay guys who have adopted 3 kids and they seemed to be like the best parents one can ever have (as their kids said). They had this really ncie house and they are both quite successful (a famous writer and a famous painter – I can’t remember their names) . So this couple made me rethink about myself and how I wanna conduct my life in the future. For now I believe that I DO want to end up in one committed relationship (officially married or not, depending on the situation) with a partner I truly love and care about (mutually). And yes, I think I want us to have kids – of course not a dozen though. I REALLY hope I can achieve this!! *sigh*

Besides, I spent yesterday with the family and we’ve seen a couple of relatives here and there. My parents allowed me to drive for some decently long distance and so I was happy. One aunt made a random comment about my look and she asked me “Oh you still enjoy putting accessories and such?” coz I was wearing my usual necklaces, bracelets (pink and white) and 3 rings. She even asked me how come I didn’t get an earring yet. HAHA. I told her that I’d love to but my parents would kill me. A second degree cousin came over from Canada and she offered to meet up with me as I move to college in the states. She even invited me to visit them for Xmas. So Yay! I might see Canada soon! (:

My younger sister, Michelle (15 y.o) left for a scouts’ camp for a week. I’m gonna miss her coz she’s the one with whom I get along the most. We gossip and act silly together although she sometimes annoys me :P And I offer to do her photoshooting sessions now and then. I gave her a Lady Gaga look 2 days ago haha it was so funny!! I think Michelle is Bisexual coz she can be quite tomboyish at times and has some crazy crush over Rihanna. She does make offensive comments about lesbian girls sometimes but I think this is only due to the environment in which we live and how it shapes our homophobic mentality. I am trying lately to make her respect people for who they are and I kinda make comments now and then about how it’s OK to be gay, lesbian, or bi because it really is NOT a choice. I hope it’s working…

Random: My older sis got Eclipse on DVD but am finding it hard to watch it coz Edward reminds me so much of my idk-bf. (Yeah! He's THAT hot hehe)... Bleh FML

Random: As we were in the car yesterday, my younger brother James (11 y.o) took my wallet and started looking in it. He took out a condom from it and started asking me what is it? He was so loud!! I got so agitated and embarrassed so I grabbed it from him and hid it back in my wallet saying that it’s a wrap of stamps coz I usually keep them in my wallet as a collection. I was so worried that my parents would have seen it or something but thank God they didn’t pay too much attention. It was just a week ago that I’ve decided to keep a condom on me all the time (my idk-bf asked me to do so).

I hope you guys have enjoyed a fabulous weekend and I hope you have a pleasant week!

Sam

Decent gay life in my home country! :)

2010-07-24T20:38:00.002+02:00

Howdy!

I’ve been very lazy lately. My mom still fusses about me staying up late at night online. She woke up two nights ago and saw me online at 3:00 am and she was VERY angry. She sweared that this coming month she will make our internet subscription limited – as in, capped per day!! And this is really VERY little. I hope she changes her mind coz otherwise I’d be skrewed very much!

I went yesterday night to the mall with my sis, her bf (Jack) and some other friends. We wanted to watch Eclipse but it was already started by the time we reached there so we decided to postpone it for some other time. Instead we sat in the food court and ate. It was quite interesting coz most friends are fun and funny. However I got irritated when my sis brought up the topic of Rihanna’s bisexuality (having seen Te amo’s music video – check it out by clicking here ). So yeah, my sis Christene thinks that being gay or bi is gross and she was offending Rihanna. But I didn’t let her go on with that and made it clear to her that she MUST respect people’s different sexual orientations. All of her friends agreed with me. Yay! Something VERY interesting happened on our way back home. Jack decided to pass by his cousin’s place to say Hi since we were in the vicinity. So we stopped and saw the cousin (Chris) sitting on the balcony with his mother, 2 sisters and a random dude in a pink T-shirt. Both Chris and that guy in pink made my gaydar spin. Chris came over and greeted us. He kissed Jack on his cheeck and they started talking. My gaydar spinned harder as I heard his voice. He was well fit, tanned and good looking – with some tatoo on his upper arm. My sister gave me a weird look and she started discussing with her othr girl friend (also with us in the car) whether Chris or that othr guy is cuter. I asked “Who’s that dude in pink?” My sister said “He’s Chris’ friend” and she got a smirk as she looked at her girl friend. I got intrigued and so I got the gut and asked: “Is he his friend… or his boyfriend?” So they giggled… and then I asked them to elaborate more on that. They told me that yeah, he’s gay and has a bf who always comes over to his place and ALSO sleeps over.

I asked Jack if Chris’ mother knows that he’s gay; he told me “He’s not out to her but am sure she kinda knows… or at least suspects. But she is in denial.” I was so happy to have had this encounter. Gay guys are there and they’re doing gay stuff!!! Haha I am finding it interesting how Jack has both a gay cousin and a gay brother. Hmm… As we left, my sister started making silly comments about what a shame it is that such a good looking guy is gay so I opposed her and told her that she’s got a bad mentality. Jack joined me to kinda support what I said and told her that she should be more respectful and understanding. Nah! I won’t come out to him. What’s the need, anyway?

I was chatting with Mark today and he told me that he’s going for a date tonight with a gay guy he met on some gay dating site, a month back. He showed me a photo of the dude. He’s this hairy and buff 28 year old. (Mark is only 17 by the way). I am worried about Mark but I just IM-ed with him and he said the’ve met at Starbucks and so far everything is alright. I still need to meet up in person with this Mark. So yeah… as Wayne told me; my country aint THAT bad afterall.

I loafed at home the whole day today and did absolutely nothing productive or fun. My mom has a terrible migraine and I’m trying to service her: ice on her head, some massage now and then. She’s in excructiating pain :/ She doesn’t deserve this!! Any tips, please?

Have a great weekend!

Sam

They wanna hook me up with Jennifer

2010-07-22T22:29:00.000+02:00

Good day!

I went again to the beach today. It was just me with Mom and my two younger siblings. We didn't really swim coz it was not comfy. We just went to this free beach, not a proper resort. Hence, snobby me didn't feel at ease. I just laid around, read a little and tanned. I am kinda sunburnt now. My chest is sooo red and so are my cheeks and nose. I think it's kinda hot :P My butt is whitey! It's cute hehe.

While there, my younger sister Michelle (15 y.o) and Mom started to talk to me about Jennifer. She's this 18 year old girl who used to go to my former school. She's really good looking, smart and sweet. I would like her if I do girls. Jennifer's mother is friends with my family and she likes me a lot. Well, Mom told me that she always mentions me and talks about my achievements and such. So Michelle and Mom said they want me to hook up with Jennifer coz she seems like a good girlfriend to have and future wife. FML. My sis (Michelle) is going tomorrow to the cinema with Jennifer and her sister. They wanna watch Eclipse. Mom and sis said I should go along so that I can meet up with Jennifer and start up with the 'hook up' process haha FML. I really wanna watch Eclipse but then I can go for it with my older sis (Christene) and her bf, instead. I don't wanna meet up Jennifer coz I'd be shy lol. I guess Mom just wants to make sure I've got strings attached with some girl from my home country. By the way, I don't think it would be hard for me to get Jennifer. She did show interest in me once and well.. I am such a great man to get (in the opinions of the people around me here). They all think I'm an over-achiever, very polite and intellectual, and such a perfect man and prince charming haha

Tonight, my older sis wanted me to go out with her and her bf to this friend's birthday party but I didn't go coz I wouldn't really enjoy myself. It's being held at this fancy restaurant so there wouldn't be dancing and naughtiness lol. They'd just sit around, eat something, have drinks and taaaaaaalk. Quite lame! Not gay enough for my liking *wink*

HUGS
Sam

Beach, bitch!

2010-07-21T23:42:00.000+02:00

Heya!

I went to the beach today with my parents and my younger brother. Our neighbors also went with us. Oh I gotta tell you a bit about them. So they are these semi French people and they've been married for like 15 years but have no children. They are very close to my family coz we kinda make them feel part of our family and we know how to add meaning to their boring life (I really am NOT exaggerating this now). I think the guy is gay though :P Well.. maybe that's why he couldn't impregnate his wife. Excuse my dark humor but am saying this coz he kinda likes my uncle a bit too much!! Anyway, so they treat me and my siblings like their kids sometimes. They're kinda wealthy but do not spend much on us... well they do a bit but not as much as I would have hoped :P I might be mentioning them again in future posts so that's why I'm giving you guys a bit of background lol

Anyway, so our neighbors left early and I stayed with my family members (minus my sisters) and we kinda bonded well. It was sweet. I hope my parents were really as happy as they looked. I realized today that I have kinda changed a lot indeed. For instance, I really talk VERY little. I also do not talk much with my family... It's weird and I can't help it. I guess maybe it's better for me to remain silent coz it's being hard for me to hide my gayness when I speak... I don't know how to explain this. Bleh! FML Silence is best sometimes, eh? Mom kept asking me about whether I has a gf today and I told her I have none. She was like: "I can't believe you could survive without being affectionate..." lol Oh and we've discussed whether I could get my nose job. She said not this summer coz my break is short and I need more than just a month to recover and all. She promised that she'll allow me to get the plastic surgery next summer break coz then I might be at home for 2-3 months which should be enough. I'll be paying for the surgery from my own savings. I really don't think my nose is THAT ugly. I really think I am hot the way I look right now but am such a perfectionist. Oh well... But I really wanted to get the nose job before college so that the new people Imma meet know me with that look from the start. What ya think?
Oh, I've got a nice tan today. It's very slight but I like it; Imma go to the beach again tomorrow so then my tan would be just perfect!

I really love checking guys out as they go out of the swimming pool or rise up in the water as they get closer and closer to the sea shore. Their "ding dong" is often semi-awake (hehe) with the swimming suit sticking on their bodies *sigh* I enjoy imagining how they'd look if... [you know what I mean] haha
OMG I am such a perv, eh? (blush) but I was a good boy today (just coz the beach resort we went to didn't have saunas or Turkish steam rooms haha)

Random: I was thinking today that I think I'm into older guys lol Well... I really do not mind having an affair with guys aged between 25-35 if they're hot! I would really prefer having a boyfriend who's in the same age group as me but I DO think that older guys can arouse me well well! Anything wrong with that?
OMG! I am SUCH a PERV!!! FML

juicy gossip

2010-07-20T17:49:00.000+02:00

Heya!

I haven't been up to much lately so I just decided to gossip with you about a few people and stuff in my life.

My college roommate:

So I finally have one. I told him in one facebook message "I am exploring my sexuality and believe that I am Bi" (coz my idk-bf told me saying this would be best) and I asked him if he's got any problem with it. So my roomie was like: "No I don't have any problem. I am exploring too. haha" So I assume he's also rainbowish although his fcb profile says he's interested in women. But he's quite spontaneous... I mean he's such a socialite and uses lots of emoticons in his chats and messages, etc. He's got this boyish look and is into anything arts-related. He sings, acts, etc.

Gay?

Jack's bro:

I forgot to mention in earlier posts that my sister's boyfriend (Jack) has a 17 year old brother who's gay. I have never met him in person but whenever I ask about him, they (my sister, her bf, Mom, etc.) always tell me that he is kinda sick and not worthy of me meeting up with him. I ask why and they're like... he's gay. By gay they mean he's fem, shy and has complexities. Yeah, these are the stereotypes they have around here. It is very sad :(

University:

It seems like there's lotsa preparation to be done for college. And there are loads of stuff I have no idea what they are... I am friends with many fellows on facebook and sometimes they just speak of stuff and I am like: what the heck? hehe FML!! Oh and there's this book I need to read this summer before college starts and I also have a paper to write about it. I ordered the book at the library yesterday and it should come in a few days. Bleh.. I am so lazy! I am so worried about what to pack coz my clothes literally cannot fit in just two suitcases. And I need to buy a laptop and a cell phone as soon as I get to the states. What should I get?

Family:

All is ok.. no big drama for now but the usual fuss Mom has about me being online almost all the time, when we actually are at home. I keep telling Mom that I no longer wanna get married and have my own kids. She's surprised coz when I was younger I used to say I can't wait to have my own family and get 12 children :P. I also told her yesterday that I don't want to ever be back home for good coz I just don't like it in here. She got sad and was like: "What's me and your dad's fault? We also want you to be around us..." I did not know what to answer.. I just told her that I have my heart torn into many pieces atm and they will always be in my heart...

Thanks for reading! Enjoy your week!
Sam

Mark

2010-07-18T12:02:00.001+02:00

Happy Sunday!

So I spent almost all day long yesterday chatting to Mark on msn.
A bit of background: He is this 17 year old gay guy who added me on facebook. He's friends with my bi BFF Sandra. I am not out to him.

So we chatted about a lot of stuff and he kinda likes how supportive and gay-friendly I am. I told him "I am straight so far" as you may already know. He told me a lot of stuff about gay life in my home country. He also mentioned to me that he's been 'fucked' 5 times and he says that he's 'bottom only' and doesn't like being sucked... bla bla bla. He even sent me dick photos of 2 guys he's online friends with. One he says is strange looking, while the other is the longest one he's even seen for real lol. I didn't really get why on earth he sent me those photos lol but Oh well... I couldn't complain. He also asked me whether I am virgin or not but all my answers to him were vague... so I told him "I am kinda virgin, depending on what you define as sex". He is a really sweet man and I feel so bad for all the crap he's been through. He told me about this time he met a so-called gay guy online and they scheduled a time and place to meet up but when he showed up at that guy's place, 2 men went to beat the hell out of him and stole 60 USD from his wallet. He had to lie about the incident to his family. He's not out to his family (they'd disown him) but he's out to most of his close friends. He plans on moving to the UK after high school to pursue his university studies and he is kinda like me when it comes to hating on the people in my country for being superficial, stupidly conservative and homophobe. I told Mark that he can confide in me and I can try to be there for him if he ever needs to get things off his chest. We said we'll try to meet up in person soon (maybe next week) so our discussions would become a bit more personal. I clearly don't want to fool around with him or anything... I just feel like we should be cool friend if time permits. He's not my type anyway lol. But you know, sometimes I feel like I'm kinda sent by some divine power to be the angel of some people in this life... I think I am meant to support Mark and make him feel good about himself. So I'll try to do that as much as possible. Despite the fact that I'm moving abroad soon, I will try - in the time being - to chat with him and support him.

Besides, I am chilling enough with my family these past 2 days. My parents are super sweet and love me so much. I'm trying to be their sweet loving kid as much as possible. I woke up today and told myself that I am very lucky to be the person I am and at church this morning I thanked God for all the great deeds I've been offered... I am OK with hiding a "part" of who I am for now... Being Gay/Bi/Whatever is NOT really the only thing that defines me. Hallelujah for positivity! Hope life treats y'all well!

Lots of Love!
Sam

I want a girlfriend

2010-07-16T20:17:00.001+02:00

So yeah:
GIRLFRIEND WANTED ASAP!!
These days I am always going out with my older sis and her friends... and most of them are hooked up. I walk around and I am like the only single guy around which aint cool. I feel lonely although all people like me and I can flirt quite well with the girls, making their boys jealous haha... Oh, my sister's BFF told me yesterday that she loves the way I dance. Yay! xD She also told this other girl we met about how humorous I am.

Random: Mom asked me today to show her the photos from my last trip. So amongst the photos she saw some photos of me posing with my idk-bf. She told me he's handsome... yet all she knows about him is that he's my host brother haha

Besides, this guy called Mark has added me on facebook since I just got back home. He's friends with my Bi BFF Sandra and he is GAY!!! He said he's seen photos of me on facebook and thought I am cute which is why he added me. He's 17 and plans on moving to London after high school. We chatted a bit now and then on msn. He asked me if I am gay but I told him 'No, I am straight so far' and made him laugh. I didn't come out to him coz I do not plan to be out in my country. He lives like 5 minutes drive, away from my summer house. We shared phone numbers today and he invited me to go clubbing down town with him tonight in a gay club (the only cool gay club in my country lol). But I told him I can't go... Well, firstly because I gotta take a cab back and forth (which I don't really enjoy - I am snobbish, you know) and secondly coz I kinda need to meet him in person first... before actually clubbing with him. I hope he aint pissed at me lol. Imma try to plan on us meeting up soon... Should I come out to him or not?

I am going to my grannies now with my family and all... A boring night that could have been substituted with partying at a gay bar... Oh well... Sammy gotta be sweet, nice and kind with his family! lol
Yay for bonding with the family! FML hahaha

Thanks for reading!
Sam

Encounter with a fuck buddy

2010-07-15T19:32:00.001+02:00

Hello!

I'm gonna ramble a bit then tell you about my encounter... If you wanna just read that, then scroll down and read what's in red. Yesterday I went shopping with Mom and my younger Bro (11 y.o) from 9 am to 9 pm. I got cute stuff; a pinkish red pair of shorts, new Vans shoes - black n white (skeletons' theme) and also brought all my winter clothes from our winter house. I need to sort out the stuff I need to pack for college. Mom was cool although she asks me from time to time to be more manly... ffs.. she must get that I am gay lol. Look... it's not like I'm very fem but am definitely not the typical macho she would expect to have in my country... whatever... I aint gonna change nor pretend to be who I am not (the way I used to do before).

Today I went out since morning with my older sis (Christene) and her bf (Jack). We went up to this catholic monastery for prayers and stuff... Some more friends met us there too. In the afternoon we went to the this resort where we swam a little and enjoyed the jacuzzi. It was calm and my sis kept being affectionate with her bf. I AM SO DAMN PURPLE!! (sexually frustrated)

So here's the exciting part:
As we finished and went to shower... I decided to check out the Turkish Bath room (extremely steamy room similar to sauna). So I went there and then 2 separate guys came in. They both made my gaydar spin. We talked here and then and it was kinda cool. It was so damn hot but I wanted to stay, hoping some gay stuff might take place. Later... the hunk one left and I stayed with the twink. The twink went out for a cold shower and got back, and asked me if I'd go with him so I did. We started talking even more... but he did not give me much ''wanna have gay fun'' hints so I gave up and left. I went to the showers and when I got back to the main hall where guys change clothes I saw the hunk around and he kept checking me out. He told me he has a back-ache and wanna go back to the Turkish Bath room which was directly in front of the changing hall where I was sitting. I was still in my towel by then and so I was eye-ing him as he strolled in front of me. He passed in front of me, looked me in the eyes then entered the glass door to go inside the Turkish bath room. He knew I was looking at him, so he took off his swimming shorts (behind the glass door) and went in... I wondered whether this was an invitation for me to follow him (when we were all three together there, we were all in our shorts - not naked). I believed that he had given me a lot of hints that he's gay and wants me... so I got my gut and followed him to the Turkish bath room. I was soooooooooo shy and my legs were trembling lol So I tried to open the door but it was locked. He saw me from inside and unlocked the door. I put my head in and asked him.. Oh you've lowered the temperature. He was like.. yeah! He was alone, laying all naked with his swimming shorts thrown around his belly... I couldn't really see his cock but stillhe was damn HAWT!! I tried to converse with him a little and asked him random stuff but I was too shy to go in or do anything so I left. He was looking at me lustfully but I just did not know how to react. OMG! He was sooooooooo hot! I really wanted to give him a nice blow job that would take him to paradise... But I controlled my horniness and went back to finish changing and getting into my clothes. A minute later, he went out strolled by me and took a cold shower in front of me. We kept looking at each other: him in the open showers room and me on my changing chair. Then he came close to me, wanting to go back to the steamy Turkish room. Then I stopped him for a convo. Here's what we said:

Me: So How's your back ache?
Hunk: Still there... meh! I so wish it would go away!!
Me: hmm.. the steam aint helping, eh? Maybe you need some massage..
Hunk: True, hey! But the spa is closed.
Me: hmm... maybe you can ask a friend of yours to massage you?
Hunk: Nah.. not anyone can give a good massage.
Me: True.. A bad masseur might make you worse.
Hunk: Can you massage me?
Me: I aint that good...
Hunk: aww...

And then he looked at me for a few seconds but I didn't say a word. What should I have done? I was shy (yet very horny lol)!! He gave me a final glance and went back inside the steam. I felt so dumb for being shy and suppressing myself. I am really sexually frustrated and such an opportunity doesn't come twice(well at least not in my environment) . But bleh FML I didn't wanna be promiscuous... plus maybe he aint gay... and I just got bad signals? What ya think?

Thanks for reading!
Horny yet Shy Sam

xXx

2010-07-13T23:23:00.001+02:00

Thank y'all for your support and welcome to all my new followers!! You guys rock and make my blogging worthwhile...

I had an OK day today... kinda boring but am cool with it coz I had lots of fun stocked when I was with my idk-bf (nostalgia....) and I'm hopefully up to great things at college - so soon. Mom easily gets over her moodiness... and so today I helped her cook some sweet stuff and tidied my room which made her kinda satisfied with me. She still fusses about how much time I spend online... bleh. I'll find time for my family sooner or later. I still have around 40 days left with them.

We visited some relatives today and gossiped - which is my family's specialty lol
Bleh.. what else? nothing much...

I just asked my Mom if there's a way I can fix something about my eyebrows and she was like: "Sam, get more manly, please... and stop all those things you've been doing lately!" (She means being a bit fem)
FML

Take Care good people!
Sam

angry... sad... and kinda crying

2010-07-13T00:14:00.000+02:00

so... yeah... I got very angry and still am. Now I aint as angry but am sad... and I can cry if I let my tears go... but it would hurt so Imma suppress them... bleh.. don't mind my English for now; Im blogging coz I need to get things off my chest. Im in bed and about to sleep... chatting to my idk-bf who lives oceans away from me :(

So Mom keeps fussing about me being online all the time - I am bored that's why I do so... and using the internet is what I enjoy the most. She keeps treating me like a baby! and I hate that!! I know I've been away for 2 years and she probably feels Imma be gone for good coz next time I'm back I'm really an adult but still... she's the mother... so she should be the more understanding one!!

So she asked me to go lay next to her... while I'm still online... but I didn't reply. I went to the bathroom and kept my laptop on my bed. When I got back, I found out that she has shut it down. I got really angry... She told me come lay next to me (we still do that in my family... so we talk and such... yeah Mommy's boy!). So I replied: "I'd do that only after you start treating me like a grown-up!"
I am really hating how my parents still treat me like a baby! I am 19 ffs!!! And today I had another argument with Dad... I went to some admin with him and I was wearing sandals.. he hated on me.. and I always have to beg him to let me drive. I got my license last year and I cannot drive well yet coz of lack of practice...

For some weird reason, this small argument with Mom made me remember what a terrible life I've had a few years back - no close friends, boredom and constant humiliation. It was then that I should have started blogging... These memories are what made me so sad right now... Imma try to post about those bad old days soon... so you guys would get to know me better.

OMG! I am hating those feelings so much!! :( I really DO love my family and all but I don't know why I am unconsciously detaching myself from them this way. A coping mechanism?? (my idk-bf says so)... I don't wanna hurt them... but they really anger me fast these days!! I don't wanna start with those feelings of disliking being at home and around my family! :(

PS: I know I am not being nice or fair with my family - especially my parents... but I just can't help it. I know Imma be regretting being this way... Mom is probably hurt right now :(

MOM! Do you know I am gay?

2010-07-11T11:09:00.001+02:00

Heya!

Yesterday's beach party was shit FUN! I really enjoyed myself; drank, danced, checked out the hotties!
PS: I think two sexy girls dirty dancing with each other are so fuckin' HOT!!!
I did see 2 guys checking me out here and there (which was sooo good for my ego haha). I was wearing skinny blue jeans, a light blue checkered shirt (short sleeves) which I unbuttoned to show my white under-vest beneath. And of course I had my silver accessories complimenting my outfit... If someone had brains over there, he must have noticed I'm gay... but apparently no one dared to cum for me... I meant come* for me.
PS: I had dreams about 2 guys from the party who got physical with me... One of them invited me to his hotel room lol It was a sweet dream.. I am still very purple though :( (if you know what I mean)

Random # 1: I went to see my GP again yesterday afternoon coz I've been sick for more than 2 weeks despite all the medicine I've taken. He gave me new antibiotics and some cough mixture then said if I don't feel better by today, I gotta get a blood test on Monday. O.Oh... I've lately smoked pot... would it show in my blood test? FML

Random # 2: Mom discovered yesterday that I shave my arm pits haha. She was surprised and asked me: "Oh Sammy... so you prefer non-hairy guys?" I wondered what she meant by that... did she hint at me liking boys or what? haha. I didn't really answer. I do prefer non-hairy guys but I just made her understand that I think saving is kinda hygienic... (in my opinion). At night, as I was getting ready for the party, I asked her to take photos of me in my fresh outfit... so I started posing (in a gay-way, as she described it)... so she asked me to stop making those seducing faces but I kept going on... so she laughed and continued taking the photos.
MOM!!!! Do you know that I am gay???

I'm chilling with the family today - some road trip then lunch...

Have a lovely Sunday y'all!
Sam

FAIL haha

2010-07-10T15:55:00.001+02:00

PS: I know the new look sucks and is Yuk! will fix it with time ;)

Hola!

I'm so bored... yet Mom keeps nagging when she sees me online for so long... and she takes the laptop away from me at nights.. so I don't stay up late. FML. I am not a baby ffs...

Anywayz... so I did end up going out with my older sis (Christene) and her friends yesterday night. We went to this resto-pub and we were alone there.. kinda exclusive haha. It was not so bad. I wore purple coz I am very sexually frustrated right now... My sis and her bf kept making out and dirty dancing... I would have ripped both of them hahahaha

Tonight is the beach party my sis has been organizing for her boyfriends' birthday. There will be like 40-50 people invited to that fancy resort and we should be partying hard. I know very few of the invitees. They're all my sis and her bf's friends. Reminder: I have NO friends in my home country... FML. I kinda got used to this though... I don't like being in my country anyway... so it's OK.

I just tried to pimp my blog layout but I don't like the outcome. I think I will keep fixing it as time comes by. I tried to update it a little so to reflect how I've become:

Construction background coz I am still exploring myself..
Title: Confused with a question mark coz I don't think I have the right to call myself confused anymore. I know for a fact that I like BOYS!! haha (who doesn't, eh? :P)
The quote by Winston Churchill kinda reflects my ambitious attitude and how I'd like to conduct my life...

sorry... I am straight!

2010-07-09T19:28:00.001+02:00

Howdy!

I am doing OK... all is under control (kinda). I went over to Sandra's place yesterday and stayed there for 5 hours. We simply spent the time chatting and catching up. She came out to me as Bi, online, a few months back and she's been suspecting I'm gay ever since. So yesterday I had to have a serious talk with her. I told her I am Bi... and that I've been exploring my sexuality for some time. I also told her about my previous idk-bf and she thinks he's handsome (I showed her a few pics of him). Besides, I asked her not to share what I told her with ANYONE! (not even her gay friends). So she promised to keep my secret for eternity. Now my summer is gonna be really boring - no meeting up with more gay friends, no partying in gay clubs and no exciting adventures. Moreover, I will always have to hide my true self and make sure I live under the radar. Many gay friends of Sandra have been adding me on facebook lately and chatting me up. One guy started hitting on me!! But I was like: "Sorry, I am straight". So I told Sandra that she should tell them all that I am straight but am very gay-friendly coz I have many rainbow friends abroad... I am hating the feeling of denying who I am...

Bleh... Helloooooooow Boredom haha! I think it's kinda OK... coz in life we gotta make sacrifices some times... for the better of all. I don't wanna let any rumors of my gayness spreading around. My parents would get a heart attack. By the way I am hating on my country sooooooooo much! I'll ramble more about that later.. But I really don't wanna live in here anymore. I can't wait to move out again. :(

tomorrow night is the birthday party of my sister's bf... it gotta be so much fun, I hope. Beach party, babeh! haha. My sis is going to his place tonight and asked me to come along but I won't go coz I'm not in a good mood. I'll have to go now and fix some gifts for her. She asked me to paint on two T-Shirts "I love my bf" and "I love my gf" for them to wear tomorrow...

HUGS
Sam

previous nights... not so bad!

2010-07-08T10:19:00.000+02:00

So the past nights I've been having a good time back home :)
(surprising, eh?)

Tuesday night:
I went to a small party at my cousin's place. It was held coz he just passed the official exams. So all my cousins were there. It was kinda lame at first then my one male cousin (19 y.o) started belly dancing and inviting us to join him lol We even did the Waka Waka song and I was the one leading the song LOL (just coz I know the lyrics well)... OMW! My cousin has become a hottie! They made a few gay jokes but it was OK.

Wednesday night:
My sister's bf fetched me from home and then we took my sis from work and met up with some other friends at 2 guy friends' apartment. We watched the FIFA match at first, had some vodka and ordered food. YAY!! I am soooo happy that Spain won!! (just coz I dislike the German team lol). I was originally fan of Brazil. After the match was over.... we decided to play "truth or dare". It became quite naughty with time. Guys started taking their shirts off... lap dancing (I did that), French kissing....dirty dancing while taking clothes off. OMG OMG!!! 2 of the guys were such hotties!!! especially after they took their shirts and pants off. haha I was amazed at how liberal young people back home could get. But still... they're very homophobic! One of the guy suggested the dares should start becoming gay-style... so I was like Yay!! xD but then they just asked one guy to smack-kiss my sis' bf... and I got nothing out of it!!!! :( poor me hehe... But overall the night was fun! I totally love my sis' bf (friendship love). He's really caring... and always pays on my behalf hehe...

HUGS!
Sam

what am I up to? and my Bi BFF

2010-07-06T11:28:00.001+02:00

Holaaaaaaaa!

How are we all doing? I am so missing reading fellow bloggers but FML Mom keeps nagging every time she seems me online... aaah! I've been living on my own, sleeping whenever I feel like and doing whatever... for 2 years and now she wanna treat me like a baby!! bleh!

Anyhow I went to my GP yesterday coz I have some immunization forms to fill out for college. I also had some 3 vaccines to take but he could only give me one of them coz I'm sick - got the flu and just started antibiotics FML. My BFF in here (Sandra) invited me to the beach with her yesterday but I didn't go. I am really embarrassed with my body coz I'm kinda skinny and all guys my age have some muscles while I don't... and My sister invited me to go with her and her bf to the beach today but I also didn't go coz I'm sick and I cannot get into the water coz of my vaccination. I wish I could work out... I will do that in college if I get to develop that discipline. I NEED to be fit!

Besides lemme share with you a bit of background about Sandra. She's my BFF back home; the only high school friend I've really kept in touch with after moving abroad. She came out to me as Bi 2 months ago - on msn - and our friendship has grown much stronger ever since. I haven't REALLY come out to her yet but she clearly knows about me... Rainbow people attract each other, right? So I really wanna come to her but am scared coz I don't want my parents or extended family to know anything... I am not ready to deal with this. She made me meet up with two gay guy friends of hers last Saturday and we went altogether to this cafe to chill a little. She kept referring to all of us as G-people. I don't wanna come out as gay coz of many reasons I cannot really explain. Bleh! But I need people to confide in and support me while I'm here... Is it not much better to keep my home country gay-free from me? I have to meet up with Sandra for LONG convos and then I should share with her my worries and concerns... and then ask her to keep my sexual identity as TOP secret! Remember: My dad is the mayor of my home-town and so he would get a heart attack if rumors about his son being gay spread out... As many of you have advised me; I gotta keep a low profile in my home-country until I move out again. I am so excited to go to the US but am hating this feeling coz I feel like I can't wait to leave my family again... I am unfair to them! They love me so much and will miss me like hell...

Thanks for reading!

HUGS,
Sam

My Mom is gaying me up?

2010-07-05T15:21:00.001+02:00

Yes, I do mean what I said in the title! Yesterday morning, my Mom and two sisters asked me to go to the living room and started giving me lots and lots of gifts they have been shopping for me during my absence. All gifts were clothes and accessories. I really loved every single thing they got me. What’s so weird about those gifts is that they’re all so stylish – in a gay way!

They got me new boxer briefs which are extremely colorful. Check:

They also got me bracelets, necklaces and rings (one of them is a spinning one – gay right?)

And lots of V-neck T-Shirts – VERY colorful!!!

And a super smexy pink T-shirt…

They also got me a flashy belt, 2 pairs of slim-fit jeans (one black, the other gray), and more T-shirts and shirts (no photos, sorry)

But...What the hell, Mom? Don’t you realize how gay those stuff are? lol

I totally love them! Haha… Mommy is very interesting… hehe (I aint complaining lol)

Imma be so stylish at college!! Yay! xD

I LOVE my sister and her boyfriend

2010-07-04T23:20:00.000+02:00

My older sister Christene (20 y.o) is THE best and her boyfriend Jack is also very sweet and kind. When I just traveled back home and entered my room I found gifts from them on my bed. My sis got me the latest Hugo Boss perfume box and her bf got me a nice pinky red shirt which I really liked. Jack also called me first day of my come back and invited me out yesterday with my sis and some friends of theirs. We went to this restaurant by the beach. We were literally sitting ON the sand with the waves caressing the rocks next to our table. I really loved the atmosphere although the food wasn’t that good lol. Jack was pissed coz of the bad service and crappy food – he’s pissed coz he really looks up to me and wanted to take me out to a really fancy place so he kept apologizing on our way back. Tonight my sister came back home with food take away from Burger King lol Jack bought it for me… hehe xD

I also went yesterday morning with my sis shopping for gifts for Jack coz she’s preparing a Birthday surprise party for him next week – it’s gonna be super duper! We requested a special Bday cake and also got them pink n blue t-shirts on which my sis wants me to paint funny stuff for them (will tell u about that later). I am invited for the party – it’s gonna take place at this fancy resort and its gonna be a beach party, babeh! I am so excited lmao FML

GUYS!! Stay tuned coz tomorrow I’ll be posting photos of gifts I just got!! Some parts of my body might show in them too! ;) hehe

x.o.x.o

Sam

things are not the same - anymore

2010-07-03T17:25:00.000+02:00

Heya!!

I woke up at noon today coz I haven't slept much in 3 days :/ It was ok... I finally changed my facebook profile picture. Mom kept saying thank you today and I didn't understand why until she said it's coz of that. haha... so she must be happy with me now? I bet NOT! haha
She says I have changed a lot. I barely came back and she notices how I changed... maybe it's coz I am kinda cold and don't agree with everything that she says now.... But I DO love you Mom!!! However, I don't think you would love me for who I am if you were to know everything about me...

PS: My Mom keeps yelling every time I spend so much time online... I know I have to bond with them after all the time I've been away... but I need to chat with my friends who love me and make me feel better...

Mom keeps saying that I love my friends more than my family.... How true is that?? I am wondering... aaaaaaaaaaah things are no longer the same. I hate myself for thinking that I cannot wait to leave home again and be myself abroad! :(

Oooooooh almost forgot! I got a haircut today! I chose the style - short.... a bit of a Mohawk... can be nicely gelled. Truth be told, I DO look better with short hair but whatever lol
The hairdresser was fucking expensive coz its a new one... and I tipped his assistant a lot of money coz he was very cute hehe. Mom kept nagging about how much tips I gave him lol FML

Laterz!
Sam

My family calls me gay

2010-07-02T19:15:00.001+02:00

(PS: 2nd post for today)

So I got back home this early morning. My parents fetched me from the airport and shortly after we greeted and hugged, they directly started picking on my hair which is kinda long. I went to gay bars in the last weeks for several times and I always used to take good care of my looks there so I’d wear sexy clothes (not fem though), and straighten my hair, fixing it in an emo-ish look. I took photos and 2 of them ended up being successive profile pictures of mine. ALL my international friends totally loved my look and thought it’s cool/sexy/hot… and that was good for my ego! I also loved how I looked.

However, all people in my extended family have been apparently gossiping about me and saying that I look gay… they all asked my siblings and parents: “What’s wrong with Sam? “ and “Why does he look so gay lately…?” My parents also think that I look like a ‘fag’ and ‘pedophile’ (yeah, they called me pedophile coz they’re so ignorant about the issue and very offensive towards LGBTQ people). They obviously are extremely embarrassed and pissed at me right now. They keep asking me to remove those photos ASAP! This is irritating me BIG time!!! I might easily lose my anger next time we discuss my looks and then I may not be able to prevent myself from telling my family: “I AM gay, actually!! And please Fuck off!” My Mom is gonna take me to the hair dresser tomorrow to get an ‘intellectual look’ (that’s how she calls me having a short stupid hairstyle). She says she wants her old Sammy back!!!

What is hurting me further is that some of my older cousins (in their twenties) who I always thought they are liberal and would understand/support me if I were to come out to them have also been gossiping about me looking gay… I can never explain to my family the reality of being gay nor can I evr enlighten them about how homosexuality is not a choice nor a sin/disease. FUCK MY LIFE!!!

I just came back home after being away for 6 months and that’s the type of situation my thought-to-be-beloved ones are putting me in. In feel like a fish outside the water… I feel so out of place in my own fuckin’ home!!! Well… it’s not like I’m living in hell but still… things don’t feel the same. Coming back to the closet proves to be more difficult than I thought it would be. I’m hating on myself coz I want my summer holidays to end soon so that I can move out again and be in college where I can hopefully be myself…

(Thanks for reading; Hope you're doing alright)

Sam

The time of my life…

2010-07-02T19:07:00.000+02:00

I have spent the time of my life in the past few weeks – traveling around, being with my bf, and having very many firsts such as French kissing a girl (terrible experience), drinking tequila and many other spirits, going to an island, visiting a recording studio, etc… I also got to celebrate my 19^th Bday in a very special way. My bf made me have the best birthday celebration ever just b being around me and doing very sweet stuff that made me feel so special and loved. I’ve literally had THE best time of my life!

It was extremely difficult departing and leaving the love of my life and I am still dealing with this heart-break at the moment. There’s no way to move on at this time being coz I am back home for a month and a half and am bored like hell… so all I think about is him, his true love and the amazing time we had together. I won’t blog too much about my bf coz I prefer to keep our holy love and deep attachment between us – I think he also aint comfy with me writing about us online so I hope you don’t mind that.

Anyway, my heart is singing its own nostalgia songs mixed with melancholic melodies and a restless rhythm at the moment; so I will leave it to deal with its issues as time goes by. Meanwhile I would like to update you about what’s happening in my life. So keep checking my blog coz Imma be posting much more constantly from now onwards.

"nothing is to be feared, only understood "

2010-06-28T17:23:00.000+02:00

Wayne just reminded me of this above quote by Mme Curie and so I though I should do a very quick post to send my dearest regards to y'all at blogworld.

I hope you're all doing great this time of the year... I assume everybody must be on some form of summer holiday (in the northern hemisphere) or at least having a nice time with all the World Cup heat and whatnot. lol. I, personally am doing FANTASTIC!! Life has never been this great in my entire existence :) I am done with High School and its stress for good and am on summer holidays before moving to college - one of the best colleges in the entire world! I am still traveling around and enjoying my rainbow-self before being back home. I am sooo out of the closet at the moment coz all my current pals are co cool to embrace me and my fun attitude. I've been having so much fun lately; just turned 19 (my Birthday was a few days back) so I better be as crazy as possible this year since I am soon gonna be out of the teenage-hood (sob.. sob..)

Oh and I have finally been to gay clubs!! Yay! xD (I will tell you about my naughty adventures there soon!) and I am being sexual as well with my idk-bf! He's sooooooo caring and loving. I am so lucky to have him although we gotta go our separate ways soon (coz of fuckin' stupid distance) but Oh well - "c'est la vie" (such is life).

Oh and btw, I have found a roommate for college - will tell you about that later. And my Mom is already annoying me about my sexuality although I am not bak home yet - I will complain about that to you later (once I am back home and super irritated) lol

OMG OMG OMG There are waaaaay too many stuff to talk to you about but I have very limited internet access at the moment. I will hopefully find time to blog more constantly by next week coz Imma be back home at the end of this week. I have no idea how to be back to the closet now -- straight-looking me gotta get back to the closet as I'm going back home for these 2 months.... FML

Wish me luck!!!

Love ya mucho! Take care and email me or comment on my posts coz I'm gonna be back to this blog world vewy vewy soon! yay! xD

KISSES,

Sam

Graduation, Coming out, Making out, End of school, etc.

2010-06-09T18:45:00.000+02:00

Heya!

I miss you all so so so much! Thanks for being around and reading my blog and being supportive all the time. I have 50 followers at the moment. YAY!!! XD Thanks a lot!
Welcome to all the new followers. Hope I don't bore you lol

OK so I had my graduation ceremony this past Saturday and it went super well. It actually DID meet my expectations (which were very low coz I kinda hated my school at very many instances throughout these 2 years). So grad was nice and fancy... although we didn't have much of a fun prom or party... coz my boarding school suck like that. But I won't complain coz I'll get to live THE life, party, drink, have fun as soon as I leave campus. Senior summer should be fun... and college is gonna be a blast! (I hope).

Besides, I came out to Mike (bestest guy friend) yesterday night. He received it VERY VERY well... I love him! It's such a pity that we're not gonna be together anymore (coz school is over and we're going our separate ways) but I wanna keep in touch with him and might meet up with him while in the US for college.

I was sitting in the dark TV room today, watching '500 days of summer' with Mary and Mike. And then they started making out... so passionately!!! All three of us are VERY close friends... and it's not like they have feelings for each other. But they have both recently broken up with their respective bf and gf so you can imagine... We talked about what they did once it was over... and I begged them not to feel awkward nor weird about it. We are close buddies and so should we remain. My theory is that people can make out, even if they're only friends, when it feels right.

However, being this close to them (on the same couch) while they were making out made me feel so so empty. I also felt very lonely and sexually frustrated (if you know what I mean lol).. But my idk-bf has not been around lately and this makes me feel ever emptier. Bleh, FML... I don't know how to feel. We've both been very busy lately and so we haven't been in touch much. I miss him - as a good friend before anything else.

I am leaving school for good in 2 days and I am NOT looking forward to it AT ALL! I am gonna miss it so much... despite the sad moment I had in here. I am also gonna miss Mary, Mike and a few others like hell... I hate having friends all over this globe and not being able to be with them in close proximity all the time. Life sucks... Imma miss Mike and Mary so so so so so much! :(

Take care, good people!
Sam

FML and lots of updates

2010-06-03T13:52:00.000+02:00

Heya BlogWorld!

I've missed you guys but at the moment, I am feeling so down that I thought I really needed to shout out to y'all, get things off my chest, and update you about me. Hope you're all good!

Family:

They’re all doing OK… and are accepting my aunt’s death well. She’s in a better place right now and she deserves eternal rest after all she’s gone through. I had a terrible nightmare last night and woke up at 5:00 am like crazy thinking my dad and brother died. I called Mom so early and freaked her out. I made her pass the phone to my bro to believe her (that they’re OK) and as soon as I heard his voice I burst into tears ON THE PHONE! I think I have some inner issues I am avoiding to face and they’re now coming to the surface and messing me up.

Exams:

Exams are almost over: 13 down, 3 to go. I’ve been procrastinating all along but it’s been OK. I think Imma get B+ or As on all of my Math and Biology papers, some As for Mandarin, and God-knows-what on Chemistry.

High school:

I am leaving high school for good in 8 days. Graduation is this Saturday. There are guests and new faces all over campus. I’ve been interviewed by some newspaper yesterday. Students are crazy about their outfits... but I am not that excited at all. I do have a new suit which I bought over Xmas and I think Imma rock a classy black look. I have no idea what to do with my hair; I cannot afford a haircut (my hair is long and messy) FML =(

College:

I finalized all my documents and whatnot. I am so bummed coz I didn’t get approved for my Visa. I’m put on hold coz of my nationality and background… they say they need to investigate more about me. It’s so hard to be from a place hated by the rest of the world, and it’s hard to be me. Aaahhh! Minority complex hitting hard right now!

I have used all my money for my visa documents and appointments; and I cannot ask my parents to transfer me money coz I didn’t tell them I’m applying for the Visa (I wanted to surprise them coz it’s so stressful for them to help me get my visa in my home-country). FML, I am so broke. Maybe I should sell my ass for those guests on my school campus. But how can I advertise myself?

Roommate:

I still haven’t given this issue much thought yet, and I haven’t even filled out my housing questionnaire either. I am still in contact with this dude who’s so fun/funny/cool and with whom I share so much stuff in common (including being gay). I don’t know if it’s a good idea to be roommates with him… what ya think?

Thanks for reading! Love ya mucho!

Sam

death...

2010-05-18T18:59:00.000+02:00

"Life isn’t fair. It’s just fairer than death, that’s all." - William Goldman

My eyes hurt so much.. and my body aches everywhere. I couldn't sleep yesterday night. I was at first chatting with my cousin back home who told me that my aunt/Godmother [who has been in terminal stages of cancer] is extremely unwell and staying in intensive care... she was suffering so much... :(
Then I went to bed, with my mind full of sorrow, sadness and anger... I am angry at this life...

Today I called home to find my Mom at church with all my relatives and people of my hometown.
My aunt/Godmother has passed away at 3:00 am.
I couldn't stop crying on the phone... Mom did not want me to know about these bad news this early coz I have exams to worry about... But bad news travel fast.
I felt it... I knew it... my heart melt for it...

Mom made me speak on the phone to grandpa, grandma, and all my uncles and aunts. They all got to share my tears and listen to my trembling voice. Life is unfair... Life is unfair!!!

But I have to be strong. I cannot afford a breakdown at this time of the year. I am in the midst of very crucial exams. I have to continue studying for my papers... I am nowhere to be done... I have to remain strong!

But why do I need to remain strong? Why am I working hard? To go to college?? and then what???? Become further and further from home, family and beloved ones???
Life is not worth a single cent, without my family and loving people on my side... But I've left them all behind and went on to fulfill my greedy desires and materialistic needs!

I want to be home right now!!! It's so easy to give up on everything in this life!

I am so drained... my body hurts... everywhere
But I have to go to my books... I just came back from the exam room and I have exams to prepare for, coming tomorrow and the days after...

:'(
Sam

International Day against Homophobia and Transphobia

2010-05-17T22:33:00.002+02:00

Hello All,

May 17th... It's a special day for all of us...

I hope that one day (soon enough), homophobia becomes a word "our" kids (lol) would only check its definition in the dictionary for it is no longer seen nor practiced in real life...

I stumbled upon a magnificent letter a mother of a gay boy wrote to the Valley News concerning the homosexual menace in Vermont (April 2000). You might have read it or heard of it before, but here's the link for it... It's a great one! It meant so much to me - I think it would mean something to you too.

Here is an extract of my favourite part:

"In high school, while your children were doing what kids that age should be doing, mine labored over a suicide note, drafting and redrafting it to be sure his family knew how much he loved them. My sobbing 17-year-old tore the heart out of me as he choked out that he just couldn't bear to continue living any longer, that he didn't want to be gay and that he couldn't face a life without dignity.

You have the audacity to talk about protecting families and children from the homosexual menace, while you yourselves tear apart families and drive children to despair. I don't know why my son is gay, but I do know that God didn't put him, and millions like him, on this Earth to give you someone to abuse. God gave you brains so that you could think, and it's about time you started doing that.

At the core of all your misguided beliefs is the belief that this could never happen to you, that there is some kind of subculture out there that people have chosen to join. The fact is that if it can happen to my family, it can happen to yours, and you won't get to choose. Whether it is genetic or whether something occurs during a critical time of fetal development, I don't know. I can only tell you with an absolute certainty that it is inborn.

If you want to tout your own morality, you'd best come up with something more substantive than your heterosexuality. You did nothing to earn it; it was given to you. If you disagree, I would be interested in hearing your story, because my own heterosexuality was a blessing I received with no effort whatsoever on my part. It is so woven into the very soul of me that nothing could ever change it.

For those of you who reduce sexual orientation to a simple choice, a character issue, a bad habit or something that can be changed by a 10-step program, I'm puzzled. Are you saying that your own sexual orientation is nothing more than something you have chosen, that you could change it at will? If that's not the case, then why would you suggest that someone else can?"

Love & Peace

Should I get a gay roommate?

2010-05-09T14:19:00.001+02:00

Hello friends!

I've missed you!!
I am doing alright... nothing special besides having to study for my exams... I am still procrastinating though. My first exam is this Tuesday and then I have 3 others in the same week. Wish me luck!
A lot has been happening and am quite excited to move into college. I already started making friends from there via facebook... I can't wait for college to start.

NOW, my university lets students choose their own roommates through some online forum thing as well as through facebook.

Do you guys think I should look for a gay roommate? Yes? No? Why?

What do you think are the pros and cons of having a gay roommate?

And how do you think I can hint that I am gay to the people I talk to and how can I tell if they are gay too, without asking them directly (which is awkward to do lol)

Please comment and also reply to my poll on the right.

Thanks a lot!
Sam

Do you talk often to that guy you love so much?

2010-05-08T15:03:00.001+02:00

Of course!! VERY often actually... almost every day :) I'd die otherwise ><

Ask me anything

Are you cut or uncut?

2010-05-08T01:40:00.001+02:00

what do you think? lol
I am not uncut :P

Ask me anything

Do you think you will be able to concentrate on your studies in university with all the gay guys around? lol

2010-05-06T20:20:00.001+02:00

hahaha
Good Question, man!!!
I hope to... maybe we can study altogether ;)

Ask me anything

Are you getting over any guilt complexes concerning your sexuality?

2010-05-06T20:17:00.001+02:00

I think so - yes...
Btw, I was talking about this same issue today with my life coach: "overcoming the guilt feelings and becoming absolutely confident and comfortable with my sexuality."
I think I am on the right track - hopefully this will strengthen my sexual drive coz I used to suppress those feelings when I was younger out of guilt and this has affected my well being a little... But I like to believe that I am getting there... :)

Ask me anything

Are you taking something in university that will get you a job and some real money?

2010-05-06T20:12:00.001+02:00

Hopefully lol (should I share what I am planning on studying? ask me then!)
wait...
Unless I find my rich prince charming... so who needs to work and worry about making monrey? lol

Ask me anything

Good Bye for now

2010-05-02T11:26:00.000+02:00

Happy Sunday!

Hope you're all doing well.

First, a few things to wrap up:

- Today are the elections in my hometown. I am confident my father will get most of the votes. Good luck Daddy, anyway!

- OMG! Mr. Neo just knocked on my door. He gave me my folder back with the banana on top of it. He had no facial expressions whatsoever... Ouch! "Thank you very much, Sir!!" is all I could say... :$

- By the way, Neo said I should come out to Mike (my best male friend). I know he'd be cool about it; especially that he probably suspects and has been pressurizing me to tell him about who is this person I am in love with and constantly chatting with.... I dunno if I'll do it. Maybe if something triggers it soon.

- I miss Charlie like hell!

- My younger sister and brother escaped from a huge car accident. A miracle must have happened. The car they were in is totally fucked up and they are feeling terrible... Thanks God for their survival! Mom starts crying every 5 minutes. Please pray for my siblings and their friends so they recover soon.

Ok, here we go about my title:

I am on study leave for one week and must revise all the material I've been studying for the 2 year A-Level syllabus. I don't think I can do it. I might die meanwhile. My first exam starts on May 10th and the last one is on June 10th. So one month of hell is about to start.
I should get focused and plan something out to meet my exams well prepared. I must be well organized... sleep earlier than usual and sleep well... then get plenty of study hours during the day and whatnot. So I might be slow on blogging and won't blog as constantly as before.

THEREFORE.....

If you wanna hear from me, please check the following:
Ask me anything: http://www.formspring.me/SamHonest
And/Or
Email me something you want me to blog about confusedyethonest@gmail.com

Take care!
Sam

Imma go to the battle field and nail those exams down!

I left my banana for him

2010-04-30T22:38:00.004+02:00

Hola!

I am doing better...
These mood swings are normal but they hurt so much when they come.
Today was my last day of class. I am officially done with high school curriculum. Now I'll be on study leave for a few days. My finals (A-Levels) start on May 10th and last until June 10th. Imma get focused or else! I need to get those A grades. My mom did my deposit to my university in the US today so I am officially a college student :)

Anyway, Mr Neo (young gay teacher) asked me to see him today as finalize my college decision. So I met up with him over lunch break at his apartment. We talked about a lot of stuff such as how hard it's been for me at school (closeted and whatnot) and he also gave me advice about how to be at college, etc. I really love him; he's super caring.

FUNNY PART:

After I left his apartment to go to my next class, I realized that I have left at his place my folder with my banana (which was my dessert)... so yeah, I forgot to take all my stuff with me... and my banana ended up staying on top of my folder, on his desk...

I really hope he doesn't think I did this on purpose or so... I hope he does not think I am hinting at anything. That would be just embarrassing!! fml

I am going tomorrow with my Chinese teacher for a function with some Chinese professional and other businessmen also studying Mandarin so that we can get to practice speaking altogether, then Imma go to a fancy Chinese restaurant. I cannot wait. We're leaving early so Imma be in bed by midnight.

My dad's elections are this Sunday! Best of luck Daddy!!\

PS: ASK ME ANYTHING: http://www.formspring.me/SamHonest

Happy Weekend good people!
Sam

Imma disappoint my parents :'(

2010-04-29T19:16:00.002+02:00

(2nd post for today)

I am chatting to Mom... and finalizing with her my college decision.

I just asked her if they are OK with paying the remaining fees for my college education because I know it's more than what they said they're comfortable with...

So she was like, "of course we can because you are our everything..."

Then she said:

"We are ready to go into debts for you, Sam, to guarantee you the best education ever so that you achieve you ambitions and make all your dreams come true..."

That's too much to ask from them, bearing in mind that I have 3 other siblings who need to go to school and college and who also have huge expenses. My family is low to middle class!!!

I want to meet their expectations, make them proud of me and see them happy to see me...

But all this aint gonna happen!

Why am I not straight? Why? Why? Why???

:'(

So all I could say to Mom in return was:
"Thanks a lot. I hope I meet your expectations and make you proud."

She said:

"of course you will! Unless the USA swallows you and keep you away from us...and unless you change and become someone different from the Sam we know and love."

The USA WILL swallow me. I am not planning on coming back home to live there permanently any time soon. The society is just too conservative for my liking and I cannot live a fake life.

I have also changed! I change a lot, actually! I am not the same Sam they knew and loved!! I am gay, Bi, whatever I am... I am not the same Sam they raised, knew and loved...

:'(

Bleh! and announcements

2010-04-29T10:27:00.002+02:00

Hello!

I am doing... OK I guess... still trying to get myself to focus despite all the happenstances in my life.
I still cannot figure out why exactly I am this lazy... well, it's normal for senior high schools students to go through senioritis but I feel like this has become a bit too much with me.
I feel like I've changed so much lately... and everything is happening so quickly that I often cannot really think deeply about some things or reflect on them. When I currently talk with some friends I feel like disparities are extending between us and I am no longer the same old Sam.

Have I grown?
Have I matured? Does this even fall under maturity?
Have I changed? ...to the better or the worse?

Bleh! so much on my mind that it's so hard to put them into words.
Anyway, a few announcements:

1. I am still looking for ideas for my Mom's 50th Birthday surprise party. Any suggestions?

2. May 1st is in 2 days and I am about to make the decision of my life, college-wise. I think I have made my decision and I took into account both academics and social life. Your location votes on my poll were also taken into consideration. Voting is still possible on the right...

3. Since I am so out of words, I created a formspring for you to ask me anything:

http://formspring.me/SamHonest

You can either go to that link or just post your question from my blog (on the right)

4. Since I cannot put certain thigns into words, you can feel free to email me with things you would like me to blog about... ask anything and I reserve the right to post about it or...

so emails to: confusedyethonest@gmail.com

I think that's about it for now... Imma try to get some studying done tonight.
Btw, Neo (gay teacher) sent me an offline chat while I was in class, asking me to meet him at dinner to discuss my last college decision... He cares about me :)

Bestest,
Sam

formspring.me

2010-04-29T07:44:00.001+02:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/SamHonest

My Mom's 50s

2010-04-27T21:42:00.000+02:00

Good day!

I hope you're all doing well. My day has been OK.. I am still content with my life although nothing special is happening at this moment.

I keep having these intense phases of missing my love terribly... Why can't we just be together and lose track of time and space?

I miss you :(

Anyway, I am reaching out to you to help me get ideas for my Mom's 50th Birthday party.
My mom is turning 50 next month (which is a huge occasion) but I am away from home so I cannot really plan and prepare much. My dad and siblings are lazy so I gotta push them to prepare anything. My Mom means the world to me so I really want us to show her how much we love her.
Since dad and siblings would not do much on their own, Imma just keep in touch with my sisters back home and help them brainstorm ideas and arrange stuff...
We were thinking of organizing some dinner and invite all our relatives and my Mom's best friends.. but we need it to be a bit more special. What ideas do you have?
Any special gift to arrange or activities to do?

Thanks a lot for your help, in advance!

The lonely lover Sam

Nicholas Hoult is Hawt!

2010-04-26T23:26:00.000+02:00

Heya!

I cannot stop thinking of how *HOT* Nicholas Hoult is...
Taylor Lautner has serious competition for me now lol

I was just thinking that I am a very bad gay guy. Can you imagine that I barely have a few photos of hot celebrities on my laptop?
How is this even possible?
No wonder I do not fantasize that often... hmmm...
I think Imma work on this. So from now on, I'll be working on finding out more cute/hot guys and Imma do my list of cutest/hottest celebs. It might take some time due to my busy school schedule so bear with me. I seriously need to fully switch to gay mode! lol

Here are a few pics of my hottie... It's so hard not to admire him.
Grrr....

Cheers, babeh! Imma drink ya! ;)

I wish I could be in your bed lol

Could one get any more adorable?

Time for miracles

2010-04-26T00:25:00.001+02:00

Natural Capital, Investment, and Economic Growth

Heya!

I had a nice day today; watched the Clash of the Titans which was not that epic but not a total failure. At least there were cute guys starring in it which made me keep paying attention to the screen. OMG! Nicholas Hoult is so damn hot. Very Yummy…

Anyway, I was just listening to Adam Lambert’s song “Time for Miracles” (yeah, I am still obsessed with him) and realized that its lyrics totally depict what I would have loved to say to my love right now. I hope he knows the following:

It's late at night and I can't sleep
Missing you just runs too deep
Oh I can't breathe thinking of your smile

Every kiss I can't forget
This aching heart ain't broken yet
Oh God I wish I could make you see
'Cause I know this flame isn't dying
So nothing can stop me from trying

Baby you know that
Maybe it's time for miracles
'Cause I ain't giving up on love
You know that
Maybe it's time for miracles
'Cause I ain't giving up on love
No I ain't giving up on us

I just wanna be with you
'Cause living is so hard to do
When all I know is trapped inside your eyes

The future I cannot forget
This aching heart ain't broken yet
Oh God I wish I could make you see
'Cause I know this flame isn't dying
So nothing can stop me from trying

Baby you know that
Maybe it's time for miracles
'Cause I ain't giving up on love
You know that
Maybe it's time for miracles
'Cause I ain't giving up on love
No I ain't giving up on us

Baby can you feel it (feel it)
You know I can hear it (hear it)
So can you feel me feel you....

Yeah, I am still madly in love with him...

Have a great week!
Sam

Dad & Expectations

2010-04-25T09:12:00.001+02:00

Happy Sunday!

So yesterday - Saturday was not that bad. I hung out with my best friends (Kevin and Mary, to whom I am out now) and we watched some movie bits. And I had decent food coz I ordered Pizza and hot chocolate. Today, there is a mall trip but I still don't know whether I am going or not. I cannot find a buddy to go with. fml. All my good friends are either not going or already signed up with someone else.

This coming week is my last week of class before the study leave. It’s amazing coz I’ve been waiting for this time for 19 years now yet it is right here but does not feel that special. My dad says that it is normal to lose interest in long-awaited things once they’re here because us, humans, always look forward and seek thought-to-be-unattainable things but once we own them, they lose their value and feel like they were easy targets. My dad is quite philosophical sometimes. This used to annoy me when I used to live at home but now I miss those talks so much!!!

By the way, my father is a highly esteemed figure in my hometown (politically-wise). I am not saying the title he holds for now. So people look up to him. He’s running for elections again this term around and I wish him all the luck. I am sure people will vote him back in because he is THE best. So when I am home, people call me by his title and expect me to one day take up his position. AINT GONNA HAPPEN!!
So yeah, this factor adds up to how difficult it is to ever come out to my dad, and ultimately to people in my hometown. I am Sam, son of my dad, the super achiever, the talented student who travels abroad for top education, the man who is gonna lead the town and probably the whole nation, one day, etc, etc, etc.

Way too much expectations are held upon my shoulders but I shall not stress about them for now. I try as much as possible to keep it real and take things one step at a time. For now, I just wanna graduate from high school, then move to college and enjoy myself.

Have a fabulous day!
Sam

Boyfriend & Desolation

2010-04-24T11:10:00.004+02:00

Happy Weekend to all!

So what are my plans for the weekend?
NOTHING… for now

I have to catch up on some sleep and study! I have two research papers; one due on Wednesday and another on Friday. I haven’t started with any one of them yet. Could you help me with research? :P

I might go to the mall tomorrow if Mary and Kevin go along… I still have to ask them.

It’s Saturday morning. I just wanna make myself get some studying going on and then I am watching ‘Milk’ on my own in the evening. Tissue papers will be next to me in case of an emotional break down lol. I always feel VERY lonely on Saturday nights coz all students at my school hang out with their boyfriend/girlfriend and annoy the hell out of me lol. I prefer staying on my own in my room…

I so wish I can have a boyfriend. It’s not like I am a sex maniac or so. I am more into the emotional connection rather than the physical attraction. I just wanna feel a bf’s warmth as he stands by my side, his breath in the air surrounding me, his hands touching my cold body, his ears listening to what I have in mind, his company in my loneliest times, his smile to light up my sadness, and his care when I am in need… How long should I wait?

Enjoy your weekend guys and thanks for reading!

Sam

homophobic men have repressed homosexual desires

2010-04-22T17:44:00.000+02:00

Heya!

I think my yesterday's post was "waaaaaaaay too much excitement" so I hope this positivity lasts for a while...

So... I am still thinking of what college to enroll at. I kinda know which one already coz of my gut feeling but I just wanna make sure I make a well informed decision. Amongst many factors I am looking at, I wanna make sure both campus and surrounding area are gay-friendly and open minded… Hence my desire to go to a big city.

I was doing some research about homophobic schools and then stumbled upon studies about homophobia suggesting that most homophobic men have repressed homosexual desires. Quite interesting…

I dunno what’s wrong with me. I have been in touch with many students from my prospective college(s) and I am coming out to them when they ask me what are my expectations for social life/dating/etc. in college. Geez! I am so obsessed. But I mean, I have to be honest with them so they tell me whether I’d be a good fit and enjoy the campus life.

Anyway, I am not getting enough free time in the days for my personal studying. I am always either in class or on my laptop, emailing people about college and keeping in touch with others. I think I should take a break from online interactions. FML. I am so addicted.

I have to go for a school seminar now and then come back to my room and TRY to study. I have so much work to do…

Take Care,
Sam

I am THE Happiest man on Earth

2010-04-22T00:07:00.000+02:00

Hey Guys!

I am so full of positivity right now.
I am ✫THE✫ Happiest Man on Earth...
I have been longing to write this post for some time now but I was waiting for something to happen and it finally happened today... I am so excited!!!

So I talked to my life coach last week and she made me realize how many great milestones I have achieved thus far - all on my own - (since I last talked to her, which was like a year ago). So here we go:

I overcame homesickness
I got admitted into top US schools
I gave up on fake friendships
I became more self confident
I made good/real friendships (Mary, Mike, Kevin, etc.)
I can tell NO to people when need be
I found out the true reason of my happiness - sexual identity
I faced my sexual identity challenge
I sought knowledge about my sexual identity
I am consciously trying to accept myself
I got an emotional and sexual experience with a guy - a very *special* guy
I am in love with someone who cares about me reciprocally

I am also quite happy coz I have too many great things to look forward to:

44 days till graduation from high school
49 days till I write my very last high school exam - finals
53 days till I leave my boarding school for good.
54 days till I hopefully meet up with the love of my life
71 days till I am back in my home country and with my lovely family
Summer break... and then US College, babeh!

Anyway, my life seems so gay - I mean happy - when I write down all these exciting things down... so I cannot complain much. Oh No, I can! I actually am very sleepy and tired - I am not having enough sleep I guess; I will try to catch up on the weekend...
Anyway:
I had my Chinese oral exam (official exam) yesterday and it went well. Today, Mary made me come out to our good friend Kevin. hmmm.. I was not quite ready but just did it coz I knew it would be OK. He is also questioning his sexuality but his situation is a bit weird though. I'll tell you more about this later coz we three (Mary, Kevin and I) still did not have long conversations about the matter. But thus far, as we talk I am realizing how much info I know and I guess I can help Kevin out in discovering himself - Thanks to Blog World and to all my online friends.

PS: Congratulations to Joshua for successfully coming out to his Mommy. I am so proud of you, buddy!
PS: I miss some online friends so terribly and wish I had more time to keep in touch with them all.

Oh, about my laziness... It is still there but I am working on destroying it. I aint giving up!

How do you guys like me when I am positive? lol
I really hope I did not come across intimidating in this post.... I am just a lil excited about a confirmation I just had today...

I love you guys!
Keep up the SMILE!!! :)
Sam

I have Rihanna's hairstyle??

2010-04-20T23:36:00.003+02:00

Heya!

Ok , this is totally random lol Excuse my stupidity!!
So I was watching some online video and just realized that in as much as I was trying to imitate Adam Lambert in my latest haircut, I kinda have ended up with something that looks more like what mess Rihanna has made out of her hair.
So yeah, I kinda look this: FML!!! :(

(The hair in my front is not THAT long.. yet)

By the way, I have no clue what's going wrong with Rihanna lately.. This girl has gone real bad for some time, now. Check this:

PLEASE READ!

2010-04-20T06:54:00.000+02:00

Hello!

I am not sure if this will work with time difference but anyway. Imma try...
One of my very good online friends, Joshua from my mortal dream is about to come out to his Mom.
Please, if you follow him and know how cool and caring he is, visit his blog and comment on his last post.
PLEAAAAAAAAASE!
Give him advice, wish him well, etc.

THANKS A LOT!
I'll always owe you...

Sam

Designer Babies with 3 Genetic Parents

2010-04-18T14:58:00.000+02:00

Happy Sunday!

I just thought that from now on, when there’s not much to say, I will be posting stuff I find interesting. Basically, I might be posting jokes, scientific findings, interesting news, stories, morals, etc.
I am not sure if that would be something of interest to you, so please feel free to comment or email me for anything...
So here’s an exciting scientific finding for today:

You can read more about this if you click here

By the way, my day is boring. I just came back from an hour-long shower lol... yeah, right! ;)
Imma start preparing for my Chinese oral exam now (it's on Tuesday) and 'try' to do some assignments.

Bestest,
Sam

I suck!

2010-04-17T12:26:00.004+02:00

Good day Good people!

What’s up? Why don’t you answer me when I am asking you “How are you guys doing?” lol

Anyway, I am having a horrendous time – school wise. I am still the laziest person on earth, or at least at my school. I cannot remember being this lazy at any time in my life before now. Senioritis is a killer! FML!

I haven’t opened a single text book since last term. I am always on my laptop, chatting to friends/family and researching about my universities. I am still confused about which college to enrol at although I have narrowed my list down to 3-4 schools now. Please see my poll on the right and vote for which city you see me fitting best in. I am more into Washington D.C. at the moment (better GLBT life and more fun stuff to do off-campus) although the school in Ithaca - New York - gave me the best financial aid package and it’s a top school. But money is not much of an issue, I guess coz I am working on a sponsorship from back-home.

Do you think I can survive in Ithaca? Is it not too cold/grey and boring?

Here is my schedule for today:

08:20 am: Wake up in a rush, miss both breakfast and shower

08:30 am: Run for the school assembly

09:30 am: Go for 3 hours of Chinese class

12:30 am: Lunch time – crappy school food

01:00 pm: School assembly

01:30 pm: Board meeting for my Community Service project

04:00 pm: Receive call from one of my top universities

05:00 pm: Dinner – crappier school food

06:00 pm: competition/games between boys’ halls

10:00 pm: socialize with some school friends

11:00 pm: ONLINE time – Mom wants to chat to me too

FML! I didn’t realize I am booked for the whole day; I have no time to shower apparently. I hope I don’t stink.

Sh!t, when am I gonna study? FML

Ok, I’ll postpone my attempt to study for tomorrow…

Have a lovely weekend,

Sam

Is a guy bi or gay If he finds another guy cute/handsome?

2010-04-16T00:03:00.000+02:00

Hell Yes!                          12% (4 votes)

Very likely.. 20% (7 votes)

dont know/dont think so   12% (4 votes)

Not necessarily...              56% (19 votes)

(I just remembered that I have forgotten to publish the results of this poll)

Best,
Sam

coming out extravaganza

2010-04-12T16:47:00.001+02:00

Wohh!

Lots been happening

Thanks to all those who have emailed me since I’ve been down. I appreciate all your love and care. I’m feeling a lil better

I keep telling my friends (those who know I blog but don’t have my link) about how supportive the blog community is. You guys RoCk!

Anyhow, the internet has been down at school which sucks Big time. It’s back now, but still has issues and working consistently. I am trying to become less lazy because I have shit loads of school work to do beside my revision for finals (an accumulation of a 2-year curriculum).

I came out to my college counselor on Friday. It was so smooth and natural. I had to discuss with her my college choices and preferences. So I had to tell her that I want my college campus to be liberal and the nearby are to be gay-friendly. And she was very understanding. After our meeting, I sent her an email to say thanks so she said I can always be open with her and that I am amazing and we are going to be friends for a long time, beyond the school. Yay!

I also came out to Neo. It was on Sunday that we agreed to meet and discuss my college decision. He invited me to his flat for some coffee and we went talking. So I also told him I need a liberal campus and then discussion lead me to coming out to him. We drifted a little from college and talked a about my confusion. He asked me why I felt free to come out to him. So I said: “I just felt you would be a good person to discuss this with…” He kinda got my point and came out to me in return. He also thanked me for trusting him. He took my phone number and said I can always come chat with him when need be. He gave me Adam Lambert's full album!! Yay me! I think it's a gay thing lol (I cannot get enough of his music!)

OK, so I am out to… lemme count… 5 people (beside my online friends + the love of my life and his friends).

Mr. Tim (gay former teacher);
My advisor Gary (also gay);
Neo (also gay);
My College Counselor;
My best friend Mary (straight.. very slightly bi)

Yay!! They’re all super supportive.

Wait… That’s because most of them are not straight hehe.

Shit! I should not be that excited lol When I come out to more people (straight, especially), I’d then start having the REAL troubles! fml

Life is good though. What the fuck?! haha

PS: I was so impatient for today to come coz I was waiting for something to happen and that would have made me the happiest man on earth but now I have to wait more to confirm the outcome. Wish me luck, please! (I know I am confusing you, sorry!)

FYI: I am missing someone special, terribly. Mwah Mwah Mwah!

Anyway, How are you guys doing?

Sam

F my life - I am seeing a life coach

2010-04-08T23:55:00.000+02:00

Hell-O

How are you all doing?
Hope life is happier on your sides.
Well, I have all the reason to be happy actually but I am not.
Please, excuse me for being quite emo lately... I am really OK though. I am not committing suicide any soon lol (I am joking!)

Anyway, I am still very lazy and not being able to get any school work done. fml. I hope this changes soon coz I really have to start prepping for my official finals.

I am seeing my life coach this Saturday (hopefully). I haven't seen her since last year coz she was on maternity leave. Back then, I used to discuss with her my homesickness and issues with friendships and self esteem. I only once mentioned to her that I think I might be gay but then she did not believe I am coz I did not give her valid reasons...

Now, loads of things have changed. She'd be shocked lol. I think I will ask her to help me with self acceptance issues.

I think I am bringing my love (the guy I met over the break) a hard time by being kinda childish. I love him so much - I know that for sure - but I have mixed feelings of low self esteem and sh!t like that. Plus, I miss him so much. He made the highlights of my life when I was with him. But I have to accept the fact that it's not possible to have big hopes for us. I know for sure that when I get a career and make money I'd visit him. He's a great friend (before being my first love) and I cannot afford losing his friendship.

I was chatting to Mom tonight and she was telling me about how proud of me she and my father are. She told me that I always made them proud - since nursery school lol. So I asked her if they'd ever be embarrassed at me (I was thinking about when I come out to them) so she said yes, if I ever make them lose their trust and confidence in me. I am sure they'd be embarrassed of me if I ever come out to them. So I won't do that any soon, or rather never ever.

Take care of yourselves, my friends....

Best,
Sam

I am feeling empty...

2010-04-07T22:13:00.000+02:00

Hey!

I have been feeling a bit empty lately - dunno how to explain it...

I had a boring day - went out to this company with my community service team to get ideas for our cancer awareness kit. I was so fucked up on the road. I get car sick easily and the bus driver was such an ass - He went through all bumps and drove fast.

I am very lazy too. I am not getting any work done. I have to start prepping for my finals though.
My Bio teacher asked me to help him tutor the other students because I was amongst the very few ones who performed excellently in the last mock exams (I got 4 A's on 5 of the Bio papers).
But I am so so lazy... I keep thinking of how much I cannot wait to leave high school and its stress and I also keep remembering the good time I had over the break. I miss my host family, my love, and his friends so much already. It's amazing how I got so attached to them. They're super cool though and I love them all.

I also have to start making up my mind about which US college to enroll at. Deadline is May 1st but I am not really thinking thoroughly about this. Gee! I am lacking excitement and being lazy.
(Please read my previous post, if you can help me decide which college to choose)

Random:
I am craving Peanut butter lately. It's not coz I really like it but rather because it's the only decent food I can eat at school. Meals at my school are always crappy so I never finish my plate and hence end up having to make a peanut butter sandwich (if I am not that lazy) in order to eliminate starvation.

PS: By empty, I don't mean that my stomach is empty (which is quite true) but rather some other organ of my body is empty - probably my heart or my brain (or maybe even both). lol

Hope you're doing well and not feeling as empty as I am feeling.
Sam

College Updates + I need to focus + I need your help

2010-04-06T21:47:00.000+02:00

Heya!

I want to update you about my academic life in general.
So here we go.

Regarding US colleges and Universities:
I got admitted into 7 schools (most of them are quite competitive)
I got waitlisted at 3 schools
I only got one rejection.

So if you're knowledgeable about US schools, please let me know so I email you the list and ask you for advice. I need to make up my mind by May 1 about which one I am enrolling it and I am super confused.

PS: Regarding financial aid, most schools gave me really good packages but still my parents' contribution is not something they can afford. But I am confident I'll work something out. Any ideas about who can I contact for sponsorship??

Besides that, this is my LAST term in high school (wow, it feels so good to shout this out). But I still have to work hard and FOCUS! I have predicted A's to meet for my A-Levels (official examinations in May-June). I am so lazy though and senioritis is kicking in. I think I should make like a schedule and stick to it and should definitely stop procrastinating and wasting time online (quite a bad habit).

By the way, I'll be having classes all week days (8 till 3:30) and then extra/revision classes after dinner for like an hour. Then, I'd have to study on my own for some additional hours. I also have revision classes on Saturdays. So Fuck my life -- things won't be fun at all!

I cannot wait for all this high school sh!t to be over. I am ready for college and life.
Oh no, I am not! I am feeling a bit down at the moment... so I should work on my happiness.
Gee! I only need to remember the great time I had during the last holiday and smile (I am trying to have positivity and so I should be happy it happened and not cry it's over). I can make it!!! (hopefully... bleh!)

Hope you're all doing well and thanks for all those who have been commenting and emailing me lately. It's been quite helpful, thanks!

Sam

They can see love in my eyes :'(

2010-04-06T08:23:00.000+02:00

Good day!

I think I can’t take this anymore. Since I came back to school and have been seeing my friends again, they’re all saying that something is wrong with me and that I look like I am in love or something.

Well, yes I am in LOVE! And I can’t help it. I’ve cried so much and can start crying right now if I want to.
I saw Mr. Tim (gay former teacher) and my Advisor yesterday and I couldn’t help it – I started crying in front of them and they directly understood what is going on. I hate the fact that they say it’s pretty normal and that I’ll get over it sooner or later. BUT I do NOT want to get over this guy! He is THE one, I feel…

They tell me: “Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.”
I am trying so hard to keep reminding myself of this but it's so hard. I know I should not let the sadness take over my feelings and rather be happy because of all the great moments we cherished together. Love – what a bitter sweet.

Other friends say they could see in my eyes that someone is occupying my mind. Love could be seen in my tired wet eyes and I can’t hide it. What hurts me even more is them asking me: “Who is SHE?”, “What is HER name?” and “How does SHE look like?”
For Fuck’s sake! Mind your own business if you can’t bring me any help and leave me alone to cry and cry and cry!! (aww.. He loves this Justin Bieber's song - I miss him terribly)

There’s too much in my heart but I am short of words…
But I am NOT heart broken coz the guy I love, likes me in return and misses me too…
So what am I? Am I simply upset and tired of this life and the way it makes my heart burn.
I want my love, my one and only, right now! :’(

I am listening to one of the songs he recorded and my eyes are starting to get wet so I have to wrap up this post and dive into my nostalgia.

Sam

The Love of my life... I miss you already!

2010-04-05T18:23:00.000+02:00

Hello...

PS: Post written directly after coming back from airport to campus

OK - I am crying at the moment. I am crying like a baby that was severely detached from his mother. I just got back to my school campus after a fantastic holiday trip.
I am in Love with the most amazing guy I have ever met. He is the son of the host family I stayed with (during the holiday) and you cannot imagine how much I love him. I never loved like this before and hopefully won’t. I miss him so badly, already. It's like a few hours that we've been apart but I miss him terribly.

Gee! I can't stop crying. I promised him to be strong and have faith in the fact that we will meet again, hopefully soon, so I'll try to contain myself but it's so freaking hard.
He means the world to me. I felt like the happiest man on earth when I was with him and he made me realize how lovely life could be. He made me love myself the way I am. He made me realize that life could be a happy one after all. He’s so amazing: loving, caring, smart, funny, cute, fun, intellectual… and the list goes on.

I love him and I miss him already…. Please God, let us meet again, soon!

Sam

a Quickie

2010-04-03T21:21:00.000+02:00

Heya!!

I just wanna drop a quick line and say Hi to all...

I am three things:

1) I am living THE life
2) I have butterflies in my tummy...
3) I don't wanna come back to school nor leave the place I am at, right now (>-<)

PS: I just had a quickie ;)

CHARLIE I MISS YOU!!

Happy Easter and welcome to Bi-Alan! :)

Sam

I have a gay life, but…

2010-03-29T14:41:00.001+02:00

So, I haven’t blogged in the past days coz I was staying at my Chinese teacher’s place with limited internet access.

I had a great time. Just the fact of being part of a small family, away from the school environment is wonderful. I had great food, slept on a super comfy bed, felt loved, watched cinema (How to train your dragon; such a cute movie!!), etc…
PS: The cute Chinese guy (teacher's son) had his girlfriend over - but still... I enjoyed his looks :)
We talked pretty much - he's so smart, friendly and cute *sigh* and his gf is also nice.

I just got back to campus and am having a Chinese crash course then going to have dinner with my teacher and classmates.

About the title of this post.

Well, I have a gay (i.e. happy) life. My family is loving and caring – hopefully everybody is healthy – and I attend a prestigious high school, get high grades, am on good terms with my teachers and have decent friendships. I also do have gay friends. I have 2 – well actually 3, including Neo – gay teachers and they’re all quite supportive. And I also have my blog and my online friends who are all extremely supportive too.

Moreover, I am hearing good news from colleges so hopefully my future (tertiary education and ultimately career) will meet my high expectations and ambitions. By the way, I have already been admitted to FIVE US universities and 3 amongst them are quite competitive (admission rates around 20%).

So my life is gay, my life is happy… right?
NO! I am gay! In as much as my life seems perfect, a small imperfection could bring me down, all the way down and make me feel miserable.

I have things in my life that people dream of having and people around me are either jealous or proud of me and my achievements (which are both good signs lol). But if only they knew…

If only they knew that I am not the way I am meant to be. If only they get the full picture of me, of my identity and of my life.

Would they still be jealous? Would they still be proud?

I was chatting to Mon a few days ago and all she kept telling me is how much she hopes she sees me married and having my own kids before she dies (God forbid).

Would this ever happen?

NO!

Not in my society - Not in this world… Not in my book.

Don’t tell me there’s nothing wrong with being gay or whatever… I know this! But society does not… my family doesn’t, most of my friends don’t, and religion doesn’t. Fuck the system!

I have a gay life, but….

PS: I am traveling tomorrow for about a week and may not be able to blog – I am not sure. But anyway, I hope you keep well and Happy Easter in advance to all my fellow Christians. Please wish me luck as I go on this journey… This trip might be life changing. I am so excited :D

Bestest,

Sam

I am going to sleep with the cutest Chinese boy :)

2010-03-26T22:12:00.002+02:00

Heya!

Wassup? How’s everybody doing?

I had a great day at that water park/resort thingy yesterday. It was fun: I went through water slides, chilled on the grass, walked around, had good food, chilled in a tube and floated in that river around the resort…

I spent almost all day with Mary and we talked so freely and happily. It was a great idea talking to her about my confusion… I think.

Now, our friendship is growing more… she says she trusts me a lot now and does not mind sharing with me anything. I am loving her!!

She keeps telling me that I should talk about my confusion with this other guy (Syl) we are both close friends with. She says: “Syl would understand you better, talk to him.” She does not say why she thinks so… Could he also be gay?

I don’t know. I don’t wanna talk to him (although I trust him and he trusts me a lot). I just feel like I am enough with only Mary knowing about me for now. As I said before, I fear that once I start coming out to friends, I will ultimately come out to everybody and then there will be no turning back.
I don’t want this to happen!!!! Ok, you’ll hate me for what I am about to say but I’ll say it anyway:
I still hope that one day I’ll realize that I am straight, after all. I want to be straight. I still have self-acceptance issues, I know… I suck like that! :(

Anyway, I just put myself in a bad mood by talking about this so I’ll wrap up this post.

I am going tomorrow to my Chinese teacher’s place. She’s hosting me for 3 days at her house coz she likes me lol, I mean coz I am on holiday.
PS: She has one child… He’s the cutest Chinese boy ever. He is like 21 and absolutely adorable! I’ve only met him once before but we did not talk much. He seems so hard to get. I hope I sleep in his room lol… That would be interesting hehe. He might not be around much though coz my teacher told me that he’s busy with university projects. But he’s sooo cute!! I can totally fall in love with him... I hope I get to control myself though.

So about the title of this post. One correction. I missed out a few words:

I am going to sleep - in the same room - with the cutest Chinese boy :)

When I get back from my teacher’s place, I’ll pack my bigger luggage and go on my next holiday trip. And that’s something I am really looking forward to. It might be life-changing! LOL I am so excited!

PS:
Two US colleges have gotten back to me in the past 2 days: one is fairly competitive, one is HIGHLY competitive. I got admitted into BOTH!!! Thank you LORD!!! I Love You!!! :)

God loves me so much! (although I am not that worthy)

Have a great weekend, my friends!

Sam

He's even cuter than this...

I licked a girl and came out to another one

2010-03-24T23:57:00.000+02:00

Hey!!

It's been a short while and loads is happening...
First, BIG welcome to the new followers and thanks a lot for all those who take time to pass by my blog.
It means the world to me, seriously!! <3

I am gonna be brief and tell you two major things that are up; I promise to give more details soon.
I am on holidays but am still very busy with lots of things happening around.

I had a school dance on Tuesday which I enjoyed. At the very end of it, I was walking around with this first year girl who is so flirtatious and then I was eating some candy. I asked her randomly if she likes some so she said yes and I was like: "Take it from my mouth!". So she did. I kinda licked her then gave her a smack. We could definitely make out but she had a mild cold and so I didn't want to get contaminated. (I think I am getting sick though. fml)

Today, I was chilling with Mary (best female friend) and YES! I kinda came out to her. I was a bit nervous and what not but she has been very supportive and I LOVE her so much... I will give you the details soon (promise). I have to go now coz am using my room mate's laptop and have to delete my browzing history before he comes back for his laptop.

PS: My mother is annoyed at me coz we haven't chatted in while (3 days). She thinks this is a strategy I am following to make her forget about me coz I have already moved on and stopped caring about her and my family. FML! I have to call her tomorrow... and explain things. She does not understand that I am growing up and becoming more independent. I cannot remain Mommy's boy forever... right?

I am going tomorrow to a nice water resort and complex with my school. It'd better be fun. I'll also be with Mary which will give us time to talk more about me and her too...

I miss someone special so much and want to hug him so tightly right now!
He'd better not be ditching me... :(

Gee! Life keeps getting more complicated and exciting (lol) day by day...

Hope all is well on your sides!!
Sammy

I can make a good housewife... I mean househusband

2010-03-22T18:18:00.002+02:00

Good day!

We had an Arts festival at school yesterday evening. It was fun, had plenty of singing, dancing and stuff like that. I get so jealous when I see people being able to sing and dance that well... I know for a fact that I cannot sing (I do not have a good voice) but I really want to learn how to dance. I think I’ll take some dance course in college: Hip Hop & Ballroom Dancing…
When the show was over, I had a terrible feeling of loneliness so I went online for a while and didn’t have much people to talk to. So I headed to my room and sat in bed thinking and watching youtube videos of gay guys kissing… this made me feel even worse and my loneliness was intensified.

Later, Mike (best guy friend) saw me and asked me if I’d help him pack (coz he traveled today to the US for a college interview). So I went to his room and did his ironing. It took me like an hour to iron only 3 shirts… but I am good at such stuff (mom’s student ><). Then, I helped him arrange some of his stuff and went back to my room. I lay down in bed at around 1:00 am but did not switch off the light coz I wanted to do some other stuff later on. I woke up this morning feeling so exhausted and was late for breakfast (so did not eat). The light was still on this morning; I probably blacked out without noticing lol
I felt so messed up the whole day and I do not know why – as if someone has beaten me up while asleep lol

Today and tomorrow we don’t have classes at school. We’re basically working in teams on our community service projects. In the afternoon, I went to my room (also bored and lonely) and did some sewing. I had a few pants that needed to be adjusted to my height.
See? I can make a good househusband? Any potential groom interested? Hehe

My spring holiday officially starts on Wednesday. We have a senior retreat fun day.
Tonight I am going to a school play – I don’t have part in it. I am so NOT involved in extra stuff at school. I just want to get into college and graduate. Oh, I also want to find someone to love – preferably a guy lol

Have a lovely week y’all!

Lonely Sam

naughty funny jokes to start the week with a smile :)

2010-03-22T12:18:00.003+02:00

Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!

Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...

New AIDS awareness slogan:
Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.

Q: Why is Sex like shaving?
A: Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you’ll have to do it again...

Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.

Q: Why do 90% women have left boob bigger than the right?
A: Because 90% men are right handed.

Q: What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY..... It’s SHOWTIME!

Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later.

Advantages of having an affair with married women.
They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell and there is no wedding bell.

My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise.
Why? Because, they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple (I love Chinese people though)

questions for heterosexuals :)

2010-03-21T13:49:00.001+02:00

I would like to wrap up the sexual identity posts I’ve been doing. So I’ll end it with something meaningful yet cool… I loved it when I first read it so I hope you enjoy it too (if you haven’t seen it before).

So, here are a few of the questions we, ‘different’ people, get asked by ‘normal’ people.

But what if we were to reverse them?

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?

3. Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?

4. Could it be that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

5. If you’ve never slept with a person of the same sex, how can you be sure you wouldn’t prefer that?

6. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?

7. Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?

8. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can’t you just be what you are and keep it quiet?

9. Would you want your children to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they’d face?

10. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual men. Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual male teachers, pediatricians, priests, or scoutmasters?

11. With all the societal support for marriage, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

yesterday's dinner, and I am free

2010-03-21T13:42:00.001+02:00

Happy Sunday!

I had a good time yesterday night with Neo, Mike and 2 other female friends. We went to this fancy Italian restaurant. It was a very chilled out evening. We ate, joked and chit chatted. Mr. Neo is so non-gay looking to all people but me, I can sense it!!
I don’t think it will be easy for me to befriend him though… He seems to separate between teachers and students. For example, he refused to tell us his real age saying that there are stuff we can only talk about after graduation… Bleh! Whatever! I know this is his first job after his 4 year college degree so he should be around 22-23.
So I came back to school around 11:00 PM, and I watched some series with Mike and another guy. It was the Big Band Theory… It’s so hilarious!

Today, although I could sleep until whenever I like, I woke up at 6:00 am and couldn’t go back to sleep. I always wake up early on off-days but find it so hard to wake up on a school day. I just cut my hair (my friend at school did it for me). If I don’t gel it, it looks a bit like oldies (long and puffy from top, short on sides, short tail at the back)… so I’ll have it permanently gelled.

Since I am done with mock exams, I've been feeling so free - it's weird. I never felt this free before hehe coz
like I always had something to do. But now the curriculum is over so I can waste time without feeling guilty about it lol

We have a festival of Arts tonight at my school (lasting until Tuesday) so there will be like dances, people singing, Drama plays, paintings/drawings exhibition, etc. I am not performing at all coz I am shy and not that talented. I can paint right, but I haven’t done anything for so long (fuckin school work)

One or Two?

2010-03-20T16:10:00.000+02:00

Hey Guys!

I am so confused...
I wanna style my hair like one of Adam Lamert's earlier hairstyles but I don't know which one to pick.
One or Two???
Basicaly, do I trim at both sides and leave the top and the back long and spike them up or do I gel everything to the back?

Thanks!
Sam

My gayness is fluorescent and will shine even more!

2010-03-20T07:48:00.004+02:00

Good day!

If you don't have much time, just read the last part and advise, please..

I had such a lovely day yesterday coz I did not study at all. I watched a movie in the morning. It was an old romantic one and by its end I was so desperate… I wanna have romance in my life so badly!!! Screw all movies and songs of this world; heterosexuality is dominant and depressing!

In the afternoon, my advisor (Gary) took me to the mall coz I had to buy some necessities. It was such a special day coz I bought my first ever razor ever. (yes, I am 18, turning to 19 son and haven’t fully shaved before). I wanna be fresh and smooth over the coming break… I am traveling to a gay friendly place so who knows what opportunities I might face? But I have no idea how to shave and what to shave lol. I just hope I don’t end up ruining my cute skinny body and cute baby face.

After I bought my shaving materials, I went to some clothes store and let my gay inside guide me. I bought my first ever skinny jeans. They’re so skinny I might explode lol. The lady that stands next to the fitting room told me I needed a smaller size but I refused to get any smaller jeans coz then they’d be much skinnier and I don’t think I can pull them off well. So I just bought the pair I tried and will put a nice belt on when I do wear them. I also bought a tight shirt and some gayish belt. Gee! I am gonna look so gay when I wear them in public… hehe

By the way, Gary is gay and he knows about me. So it was fun to hang out with him. We talked freely in the car about gay stuff… He advised me to hook up with someone when I travel over the break. He called me CHICKEN! He said it’s coz I am young gay who is still innocent and fresh. Hehe

He said I should come back from my trip having evolved from Chicken to Twink! WTH? Hahaha

Anyway, I think I am gonna miss the ‘truth or dare’ game with friends tonight coz Neo (gay pizza teacher) said he wanted to move our hang-out from lunch time to dinner. I told him “I have other commitments in the evening but I will cancel them for you”. Yeah! I want to show him my interest. We bumped into each other yesterday during the day and I was wearing this white T-shirt a friend brought me from NYC. It’s pure white and has ‘New York City’ written on it with fluorescent colors and graffiti style. So he was like: “That’s so not like NYC, it’s more like a hippy from California.” I told him: “California, eh? Well, I would really love to be associated with Californian lifestyle and hippies…” I want him to know that I know he’s gay and that we can get along well well….

I hope that tonight, the other 3 friends who come along for pizza with us leave early so I can hang out with Neo alone… I decided that I want to develop a good friendship with him… He’d be of great help. I also found out from my advisor that Neo loves Adam Lambert so maybe we can discuss Lambert together too hehe.

I am wondering if I should visit him in his flat (which is on campus) soon and ask him to teach me how to shave. I can go like: “Mr. Neo, this is my first time shaving and I don’t know how to. Plus, my father is not around to teach me… can you help?”

What do you guys think? Should I do that?

Have a fantabulous weekend!

Sam

I am so damn Gay!! (Here's a proof you'll like)

2010-03-19T08:28:00.001+02:00

Sam: What do you think of Mr. Neo...
Tim: Yes, he is gay. good work! your gaydar is good!
Sam: OH MY WORLD!
Tim: Are you excited??!!
Sam aah.... I am speechless... Gee! Mr. Tim!!
Tim: why?
Sam: I am shocked coz I knew it!! I've felt that for so long and never knew how to be sure..
Tim: well, now you know how it works! :)

Good day!

Hope you're all well.
I am so so excited!! I wanted to post about this yesterday but it was quite late and I had to go to bed.
So I was chatting with my former gay teacher (Tim) yesterday night. I basically talk with him about anything and everything. So I told him I have a random question and he was like, go ahead. So I asked him if Neo (the teacher I am having pizza with him tomorrow) is gay...
So yeah!!! Mr. Neo is GAY!!!!
And I knew it! I felt it! I was not exaggerating! I got the correct signals and I was so damn right!
I am so excited and proud of myself (...and of my gaydar). hihihi :)

One more gay guy in the house!!! ;)
Gee! How should I go about this? I wanna hint at him that I am like him! hehe...
But Tim told me that he probably already knows about me (coz of his gaydar, duh!)
What should I do? I wanna befriend him now...
[not just coz he's gay lol.... He's a cool guy as I have told you before...]
Now everything makes sense to me :)

Go my Gaydar, GO GO GO!
Sam

I can't get enough of "Baby"

2010-03-18T20:13:00.002+02:00

Hey Bestest People!!!

I am almost done with mock exams!! YAYY!!! I still have one last paper to write on Saturday but it doesn't require much studying so I am officially setting my brain to 'holiday' mood :)
I have a day off tomorrow and I asked my Advisor to take me to the mall; gotta buy some toiletries lol

I like to believe that my exams went well, overall. They were hard, I must admit, since we were tested on ALL the material we've covered since September 2008!!
I did fairly well... hoping for some As in some subjects and I'd be happy with a C for Chemistry (I HATE CHEMISTRY)
I realized this week that I am kinda giving up on wanting to become a doctor... and it's such a shame coz I've wanted (or maybe convinced myself that I wanted) to become a medical doctor since I was so young. I always loved Biology (and excelled in it) and enjoyed taking care of people (sick or not)... Also, I have often been quite curious about the medical field and how things go over there...
PS: I shadowed a doctor in the ER last summer and loved it!
Now, since I am hating Chemistry (especially organic chem)... I am like, I cannot go and study Medicine coz Chem is at its base. It's such a shame...

I have SO MUCH fun plans for the upcoming break (will give you details later) but am hoping I do get to enjoy myself. In as much as I am spontaneous and joking in real life, I also tend to sometimes control myself, as I can get self-conscious and careful in what I do and how I behave (especially when I am around new people or ones I don't feel confident about myself with them)...
So I am really hoping I can be absolutely fun and chilled out in the coming weeks to enjoy myself and let people enjoy my company.

PS: I've missed someone so badly!!! I am hoping we get to chat tonight...

Hope you're all wrapping up the week on a good note and that all is well and peaceful!

Random:
I just watched the music video of "Telephone" by Lady Gaga and Beyonce... it's so weird and crazy (in a good way, I like to believe)

I am loving Justin Bieber lately... He's such a cutie!!! and I can't get enough of his song: "Baby"
(No! It's not for kids!! lol) bleh! I still enjoy early teenage hood stuff and would love to watch Disney Channel right now!! lol (well, I am only 18)

Email me!!! I am bored now and free so would love to hear from you :)

Lots of Hugs!
Sammy

Randomness of today

2010-03-17T18:05:00.000+02:00

Hey!

I am doing ok… I wasn’t gonna post today coz I am so not ready for tomorrow’s exams but then thought that I can make a quick post.
So here are some random stuff:

I was plucking my eyebrows today and I think I have ruined them. There’s too much space between them and I think one is much farther from the nose side than the other… I don’t know how to fix this. I do not dare to shorten the other side; I might just make it even worse.fml.fml.fml (Oh, I just asked Mary to help me out…. she kinda fixed it well)
I am going to have pizza and chill with Neo (teacher) in the weekend (with 3 other friends along). [PS: he is young, indeed (like 23 max) and I dunno… It’s not like we can do anything or that I want to. It’s only that I am curious about him]
I am going for a truth or dare game this Saturday night. (I wish they ask me to make out with someone lol) I hope they don’t ask me something like: “Are you gay?” coz this subject has been brought up quite often lately (not always in my direction) and I also found out that some of my school mates think that I might grow to become gay. If such a question does come… should I say the truth or what?
I was studying all night yesterday (with Mike >< ) and we slept a 2:30 am today and I woke up at 6:00 am. I am feeling so messed up (as if I were beaten all over my body) but the morning exam went well.
Yesterday I talked about guys wanking for the first time with someone in real life (this someone was Mike hihihi).
I have 2 exams tomorrow and then I’d be kinda done (coz the exam left on Saturday does not require much studying)
I cannot wait for the Spring/Easter break to come (I have LOADS of fun plans). I hope the person(s) hosting me (for my trip) is/are still happy to have me around…
I am so not that horny lately… is it coz of exam stress?

I am going back to my books now but won’t kill myself tonight. I aim to sleep by midnight max!

Bestest,
Sam

Is my teacher gay or simply weird?

2010-03-16T14:04:00.003+02:00

Hey!

Hope your week is kicking well and on a good start!

I have a day off today so I am just chilling in my room with my laptop and some books all over me, getting ready for this week’s exams. I just came back from Lunch. Every Tuesday I get a good lunch at my Advisor's place and he's a great cook!! (a great way to skip the crappy meal at my boarding school)

First of all, I wanna tell you that I think my teachers like me… As in, they ‘like’ me… and this makes me feel special >_<

Many of them stop me, as I walk around campus, to say Hi and ask me wassup… (yeah, THEY initiate). It’s not like I am disrespectful or anything. I ALWAYS greet any person I come across (unless it’s a first year student that don’t really like or intend to befriend - NO I am not that mean!!!). So yeah, my teachers like me and I feel like I can really be their friends – at their level – not just have a random teacher-student relationship. I don’t know why this is the case. It’s probably coz I’ve always felt older than my age and found it hard to communicate with people of my age. I always like to talk about higher level things and not just be superficial with people my age… Bleh! I dunno.

My favorite one is my college counselor. She’s SO MUCH fun! I love her sarcasm and her intellect. I visit her in the office from time to time just to share a joke or talk about random stuff. There are also other teachers who can like flirt with me (and I do flirt them back, politely – yeah right!) while others show me some of their friends’ photos on facebook or tell me about their outings and stuff like that. I wish I have time to befriend all my teachers and keept sucking up to them through friendly emails from time to time or random checking up on them – they’d spoil me big time! I know that teachers also like to hear the gossip around, so to please one, I can simply pretend that I need to talk to them about some issue I am facing and then they’d be like: “Oh!!! Sam trusts me… and comes to me for advice..” haha… I know how to make them feel good and precious! But I haven’t been sucking up m much lately coz of my busy academic life, and coz I think it’s fake and unnecessary, added to the fact that I have my blog now to shout out my feelings and thoughts.

Now the more interesting one is this new teacher at my school (it’s his first year here); let’s call him…. Neo. OK, so Neo is a cool guy, he doesn’t teach me (only teaches first years) but I’ve like had several discussions with him in the first trimester – nothing too deep in the discussion, just like random stuff. There’s something weird about him though… He’s got this very chilled out look that I cannot explain and he often checks me out when I am around (or so I think) and often gives me those funny looking smiles. When I was going home for the last holiday I met him at the airport by coincidence (seems like his flight was around the same time as mine) and we had dinner together as we were waiting to board on our planes. Nothing special that we discussed or so. After I came back from the holiday, I’ve been busy and ‘invisible’ (as he describes me) so I barely talk to him (nothing except hi/how are you). But I still think there’s something weird about him… my gaydar tells me he’s not that hetero (although he’s not like flamboyant or metro or anything like that.) During the holiday, he did not go back home to celebrate Xmas with the family. He told me he stayed at some friend’s place, somewhere in the Far East (Asia). Could that be his boyfriend???

Anyway, Neo emailed me (and some other chick) yesterday saying in the title “people I don’t see”… and he asked us if we’d like to join him on Saturday over some pizza to catch up and chill a little together. I feel like he wanted it to be a one-on-one with me but felt it would sound weird to ask so he emailed this other chick too lol. (Excuse my cockiness!!) He also said that we can bring a cool friend along, if we like.

But like, what is this random email and why does he think we’re that friends? It’s not like I have ever been super close to him or anything?
Does he simply like me as a student or what? Bleh! I don’t know. I wish if there’s some other gay guy around at my school so I can discuss Neo with him.

I wish I can just go and ask him: “Are you gay?” LOL. I am so so so curious… I wanna check how good my gaydar is… hehe

Maybe I am just overthinking about this… but I mean, why would a teacher care about being friends with a random student like me? Are some things better left unquestioned?

Bestest,

Sam

Bleh... random silly thought

2010-03-15T12:50:00.005+02:00

Good day!

I was sitting in my room this morning, trying to study... But I started overthinking as always and here’s what I’ve been asking myself…

If let's say. I am fan of no premarital sex (not because of a personal choice but rather a societal/religious influence) and hence I am meant to believe that the act of making love should be reserved to the one and only love of your life (if this really does exist)… how can I lead a happy homosexual life and still maintain my religious beliefs?

Wait, not all homosexuals get to marry, nor are they always loyal to one person…

Oh, and Christianity does not even recognize homosexual marriage. Well, that’s the church's ideology (i.e. the authority, the men who are taking charge, and this does not necessarily reflect God’s will…)

Bleh! This is so complicated… It's so hard, having to keep up with both practices of homosexuality and religion (a modified version, in which I take what makes sense to me and leave out the illogical parts) The more I think the more I get confused…

I know I've been rambling quite a lot about religion vs. homosexuality lately so don't mind me... I know I am getting silly sometimes so I shall leave my religion aside for a little and sort my things out first...

God of Love is the one I believe in, and I guess I have the right to believe in what I LIKE to believe in and what makes sense to me... :)

Anyway, I just wrote my exam for today - it went well :)

I have a day off tomorrow to study for my tough upcoming exams in Advanced Chemistry and Advanced Biology (2 exams each). I’ll be done on Saturday! Yay!

PS:

Tomorrow is a big day for my Bestest Joshua! Best of luck Babe!! I hope everything goes as well as you like it to go and even better... (guys, please give him encouragement wishes!!)
Cool Charlie is now sick-yet-still-cool Charlie. Hope you get well soon, buddy! Recovery kiss - Mwah!
My friend B has also been having exams and is gonna Ace them!! Good Luck, my friend!

I hope you all have a very smooth and happy week :)

Sam

I LOVE my DAD

2010-03-14T20:09:00.000+02:00

(2nd post for today)

Hello and thanks a lot for being around and keeping my company!

I just wanna make a quick post to shout out loud that I love my Dad and I miss him so much!

If you think this is random, well here's the story....
I went to church this evening and the preaching was about the "The prodigal son".
At the end of the service, they played this worship song talking about how God, the Father, runs to His son and how we, humans, can always be forgiven...

For some reason, all the lyrics translated into my life...

I left home at a young age to come to my current boarding school (overseas) and in a way or another I was not fully satisfied with the quality of education and life I had back home so I wanted to work hard for my own betterment and to meet my ambitions. I could have stayed back home and had quite a decent life anyway but my goals are so high and my dreams are so big...

By the way, I have the happiest and most loving and caring family ever and my Dad is symbol of courage, strength, sacrifice and love. (I actually wrote my personal essay for college about him and how he is my role model...)

So while I was listening to that song at church my eyes got a little wet and I realized that I love my father so much and that I am missing big time by not being close to him and my entire family... I so wish that next time I go home (for a holiday) I get to spend quality time with him to talk about life and get inspiration...

So, as soon as I left church I went straight to the phone booth and called my dad :)
I talked with him for 5 minutes (not much - coz Int'l calls are expensive :P).
He was surprised, I could tell, but definitely happy, excited and overwhelmed to hear my voice.

God, please bless my father and my family and the families of all of my caring friends (fellow bloggers included) :)

Sam

should I get castrated? ...and is Homosexuality genetic?

2010-03-14T13:04:00.004+02:00

Happy Sunday!

My day is so boring… I woke up, went for breakfast and then came back to my room to study but in vain. I waste time so much, without even wasting it on anything in particular. It’s weird… I just sit on my desk and get lost, day dream, travel around in my mind, and overthink tings… without really focusing on something in particular. And then I find myself having lost hours of productive work I was meant to get. Yesterday was also boring – locked on a Saturday night in my dull boarding school with no friends to have fun with… it’s not like there’s no one around, I just don’t feel like chilling with them. I am not doing much of a conscious effort to befriend people and hang out… I did not even go watch the Saturday night movie being played in the auditorium. I simply sat on my bed, stared and let time pass me by…

Anyway, let’s get back to my sexual identity research…

Is homosexuality genetic? What does science have to say?

First of all:

Genes + Brain Wiring + Prenatal Hormonal Environment = Temperament
Parents + Peers + Experiences = Environment
Temperament + Environment = Homosexual Orientation

There are basically three kinds of inquires to demonstrate the genetic basis for homosexuality: family studies, twin studies, and adoption studies

(Lewontin et al., p. 213; also see Pattatucci, 1998, p.21).

Research:

Studies of twins (both identical and fraternal), and adoption studies are most often used to investigate heritability. A typical twin study works this way. Identical (monozygotic) and fraternal (dizygotic) twins, where at least one of the twins is homosexual, is recruited through gay and lesbian publications, websites, or gay support groups (Bailey & Dawood, 1998). The volunteer twins are asked to identify their sexual preference, sexual fantasies, etc. The results usually show that if an identical twin is gay, his brother is very likely to be gay, maybe a 40-50% chance. If a fraternal twin is gay, then his brother has about a 1 in 4 chance of being gay. In a family with a gay biological child, an adopted brother may only have a 3-5 % chance of being gay -- which is about the incidence of male homosexuality in the general population. The inference is then made that homosexuality must be genetic because the closer the blood tie (thus the more genes in common) between brothers, the more likely that a gay boy will have a gay brother.

Other Research examples:

Birth Order: Blanchard and Klassen (1997) reported that each older brother increases the odds of a man being gay by 33%
Phermone studies: Recent research conducted in Sweden has suggested that gay and straight men respond differently to two odors that are believed to be involved in sexual arousal.
Physiological: The VIP SCN nucleus of the hypothalmus is larger in men than in women, and larger in gay men than in heterosexual men.

I just found "The Science of Gaydar" article by NY magazine and am reading it...
(interesting stuff studying whether homosexuality is biological but it has had loads of critics... what do you think?)

Moreover, I am Christian (Catholic), right? So I am not meant to be gay...
well I understand that the Catholic doctrine goes something about being gay isn’t a sin but acting on your gayness is...
But still what is this non-sense? How am I am meant to live a decent life. Life is incomplete without a sexual side of it, no matter how small or large of a portion it takes...
Should I lead a celibacy life, suppress my feelings and kill my fantasies? or should I just get castrated?? lol

what do you guys think of this??

(I personally have a longer pointer finger than ring finger)

there's always another, better way to look at things

2010-03-13T16:44:00.000+02:00

Good day to you all!

Thank y'all for being around and always there for me. I appreciate all your nice words, advices, jokes, personal stories and insights. Gee! How on earth was I managing my life before I started blogging and met you??

I stayed up yesterday until 2:00 am studying and woke up at 6:00 am feeling messed up.
But my one and only kept my company meanwhile and made me so so happy by telling me some of the sweetest things I ever wish to hear.
I am crazy... lol (crazy about him)

I wrote the 3 exams today... the 2 Biology exams were OK - well it's like my best subject.
Maths was kaak (sh!t)!! (as Joshua would have said...)
All students lost their virginity in the test room today -- because the Maths exam screwed us all, so badly! lol
so I am not gonna worry about my bad performance.
Apparently, the teacher is following this strategy whereby he brings all the tricky questions in one paper to make us perform poorly so we get stressed and study even harder for the official exam...

Anyway, I talked with my college counselor today and told her about the college that wait listed me.
She asked me not to worry coz schools like this one would think about me in this way:
"Sam is a very strong applicant, so he's definitely gonna get offers from other, more prestigious universities, and then if we do offer him a place at our school he will reject it and take some other offer."
Hence they did not offer me admissions, but rather put me on the waiting list.
This does make sense, right?

So according to my college counselor I should NOT worry... she says she's sure I am gonna get great offers and that she's not worried about me at all.
Come April, Come!!

I am not gonna study much today (Saturday) coz I need a break. I will try to get back to most emails in my inbox and chill online...

10 exams down 5 yet to go!! and then Easter Break :)

Have a great weekend!
Sam

life is worth nothing! :'(

2010-03-12T18:10:00.000+02:00

"La vie ne vaut a rien et Rien ne vaut la vie..."

"Life is worth nothing & Nothing is worth life..."

Hey guys!

I received today another email from a US university that already admitted me in December (it's like a safety school for me). They told me that they did not select me to receive their full scholarship...
==> I am not gonna enroll there.
It's not like I wanted to go there so badly but I really wished they'd given me the scholarship, then I'd be relieved to know that if worst comes to worst, I have to place to go.

Two University replies so far and it's not early April yet
+
Two of the replies are BAD news!

can't get any better??

Mom just emailed me saying that the father of one of my very good friends back home just passed away.
He's like barely 45 years old and super cool! He had some heart failure, they said, went into coma and died yesterday...

It makes me wonder...
Life is really worth nothing...

We work hard and hard and hard....
We worry, we stress, we cry, we struggle, we suffer...
and then we work harder...

WHY????
I can die in any second... A beloved one can leave me in any second...

Lemme go back to my school books now, if I can still manage to focus...
I have to kick asses of three exams tomorrow...

I am fine, a bit sad... a bit fed up with this life on earth... but I am fine!

Thanks for reading
Sam

Me questioning me...

2010-03-11T15:06:00.000+02:00

Hey!

I am questioning myself a lot… not quite about my confusion though.

I am hearing back from all my US schools by April – I don’t only want admission, but also a full scholarship/financial aid package (my parents cannot pay a single cent)
With all the consequences of the last economic crisis, schools are not as generous as before and it’s costs spent on International students that they always reduce first.
I received yesterday a letter from one of the schools I applied to. It is a decently competitive one, but not the most selective one on my list (not my dream college). They said they’d put me on the waiting list... fuck them!
I am questioning; if this school decided to put ME on the waiting list; what will the others do? The more competitive universities might just send me rejection letters all the way. fml
And then, Good Bye to my dream of an American education and lifestyle…
I did get accepted by two US schools already though (one is like a safety and one is VERY competitive) which is good but none of them has given me financial aid yet…. April is the Big month too!!
I am so nervous.

My mock exams are going well, I guess. I am doing my best without necessarily exhausting myself to the maximum.

I sat and chatted with Mary for like 2 hours yesterday. We talked about our families… (she’s a single child and is planning on meeting her biological father soon.)
I told her that I am bisexual two days ago in a very random fashion, but it was in a funny, joking way. She asked me if I am joking, serious, or just confused…. So I said “confused” at first, and then told her “No, No! I am not” (also in a joking way). She asked me to elaborate but then we had to go to our opposite dorms so I told her I’ll tell her more about this soon… I hope I don’t chicken out the next time such a conversation gets triggered.
But Bleh! Why do I need to come out to her? Nothing will change anyway, so I am just gonna give up on this and focus on my studies instead.

Deviant News:

1- I think I am falling in love (yeah! with a real person…) I know I am not meant to or rather it’s unhealthy for me, but I cannot help it… Every time I speak to that person I start smiling like a silly and yeah. hihihi

2- I have relaxed my hair (with chemical products). Most of my friends think it’s cool; few say it’s not. I’ve been called all names; Joe Jonas, French, Spark (from star wars lol), semi Asian semi American… why can’t I just look like myself?? Mom asked for pics so I sent her some and she told me she hates my new hair and that it’s not nice. She thinks I look like my sister’s ex bf (whom she and I hate lol)

3- I miss my gay former teacher so much! There’s a lot of things I would like to talk to him about… He told me he’s coming back soon so I’ll probably get to meet him in secret again lol

I am going back to my studies now. Got 2 exams tomorrow and three on Saturday.

Hope you’re all well :)
Sam

International Women's Day - 8 March

2010-03-08T21:55:00.000+02:00

Hello!

A quick post (not related to 'sexual identity')

Today, March 8^th is the 99th annual International Women's Day and will hopefully not be quite as momentous as the Women's March on this day in Petrograd in 1917, which was the starting point of the Russian Revolution.

The day is designed to celebrate the political, economic and social achievements of women all over the world.

For me, I would like to honor my mother today and every day for being such a role model and for being my close friend before being my mother.

I love you, Mom and may God bless you and keep you well for me and your loving family.

I would like to extend my wishes to all of the precious women in your lives, be it your grandmother, mother, sister, friend, best friend, etc…

About me:

I am doing OK, managing my studies well, I hope. Tomorrow, I am writing my first exams; so wish me luck!

I am so excited for the Easter break trip and still cannot wait to get over and done with high school (less than 100 days to go).

Hope you’re all well!

XoXo

Sam

Here's a great poem about women:

PHENOMENAL WOMAN
by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing of my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
The palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Our neighbours in the animal kingdom are also homo!

2010-03-06T19:51:00.004+02:00

Happy Weekend Dearest People!

I am still going with my 'Sexual Identity' posts...
But first, I wanna tell you that I am doing well - still trying hard to force myself into studying, but in vain. I am such a procrastinator. I HATE studying lol. I cannot wait till graduation - just 100 days to go (YAY!!!).
Nothing special around - some friends brought pizza, ice cream, juice (yeah no alcohol for moi) and other junk food today so we got to skip the crappy school dinner; so I enjoyed it. I am forcing myself into studying... Exams start on Monday and am so NOT ready - FML!

Random fact - I think Latino boys are yummy (yeah, I cannot decide on what type is my favorite lol)
A Mexican guy came to our school (a representative from some college in Mexico) and he had the most adorable face ever and the sexiest English accent I have ever heard!! I didn't interact with him - just saw his cute face and heard him say a few words lol

So let's go back to my research:

Homosexual behavior in the animal kingdom

— A 1999 review by researcher Bruce Bagemihl shows that homosexual behavior, has been observed in close to 1500 species, ranging from primates to gut worms, and is well documented for 500 of them.
— A new review made in 2009 of existing research showed that Same-sex behavior is a nearly universal phenomenon in the animal kingdom, common across species.
— Such behaviors include sex, courtship, affection, pair bonding, and parenting.

aren't they adorable?

(random lol)

Examples:

The Amazon River dolphin or boto has been reported to form up in bands of 3-5 individuals enjoying group sex.The groups usually comprise young males and sometimes one or two females. Sex is performed in non-reproductive ways, using snout, flippers and general rubbing, without regards to gender. They will sometimes perform homosexual penetration of the blowhole, a hole homologous with the nostril of other mammals, making this the only known example of nasal sex in the animal kingdom.The males will sometimes also perform sex with tucuxi males, a small porpoise.

well, can't blame them; they've got such a gay skin color lol

In 1998 two male Griffon vultures named Dashik and Yehuda, at the Jerusalem Biblical Zoo, engaged in "open and energetic sex" and built a nest. The keepers provided the couple with an artificial egg, which the two parents took turns incubating; and 45 days later, the zoo replaced the egg with a baby vulture. The two male vultures raised the chick together.A few years later, however, Yehuda became interested in a female vulture that was brought into the aviary. Dashik became depressed, and was eventually moved to the zoological research garden at Tel Aviv University where he too set up a nest with a female vulture.

very manly, hey!?

Male homosexuality has been inferred in several species of dragonflies . The cloacal pinchers of male damselflies and dragonflies inflict characteristic head damage to females during sex. A survey of 11 species of damsel and dragonflies has revealed such mating damages in 20 to 80 % of the males too, indicating a fairly high occurrence of sexual coupling between males.

Very flamboyant, hey?

Let's talk about sex, Baby!

2010-03-04T12:08:00.003+02:00

Good day!

I am doing OK although I am very worried about my school work. I am trying to prepare for my mock exams and do my best as much as possible – but there are these few subjects which I k now I will not be able to master!!
I will not really leave you in the coming 3 weeks due to my exams because I love you so much and would like to keep bringing you something interesting to read – even if it’s not on a day-today basis. I tend to write long passages so this should be enough lol

For the upcoming days, I will be posting some research done about sexual identity. Every post will cover a certain aspect. This is such a huge topic, I understand, so I will only post a little about it. It will be like a summary of what is more or less the most relevant. I hope that through this, we all become a bit more understanding.

I realize that it is often not us, but the ‘straight’ people who need some lessons around sexuality because of their ignorance.
People as unique as most of us are often quite knowledgeable about these stuff because we’re smarter, and we are also much more curious and willing to learn!
But anyway, I hope you enjoy the read and feel free to make any comment or open any discussion…
It is my hope that some confused people (like me) would read this and get something valuable out of it or some ignorant people would also come across it and maybe become more understanding… *sigh*

PS: All the material I’ll post is found online (reliable sources) and nothing belongs to me.

So here we go. Let’s talk about sex! =P

What is sexuality?

The scientific study of sexual interests, behavior, and function

(According to Alfred Kinsey, regarded as modern founder and father of “sexology”)

Terminology:

Biological Sex:

This can be considered our ‘packaging’ and is determined by our chromosomes (XX for females; XY for males); our hormones (estrogen/progesterone for females, testosterone for males); and our internal and external genitalia (vulva, clitoris, vagina for females, penis and testicles for males). About 1.7% of the population can be defined as intersexual - born with biological aspects of both sexes to varying degrees. So, in actuality, there are more than two sexes.

Sexual Orientation:

This is determined by our sexual and emotional attractions. Categories of sexual orientation include homosexuals (gay/lesbian), attracted to some members of the same sex; bisexuals, attracted to some members of more than one sex; and heterosexuals, attracted to some members of another sex. Orientation is influenced by a variety of factors, including genetics and hormones, as well as unknown environmental factors. Though the origins of sexuality are not completely understood, it is generally believed to be established before the age of five.

Sexual Identity:

This is how we perceive and what we call ourselves. Such labels include: lesbian, gay, bisexual, bi, queer, questioning, heterosexual, straight, and others. Sexual Identity evolves through a developmental process that varies depending on the individual. Our sexual behavior and how we define ourselves (identity) can be chosen. Though some people claim their sexual orientation is also a choice, for others this does not seem to be the case.